I make a lot of puns on Facebook. This page is an archive of those puns, going back to about 2010 and updated three times a year. Recently, I've begun also posting these puns on my Twitter. I hope you enjoy them!

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I heard that the Second Viennese School switched to serialism because they thought German classical music was Teutonic.

Apparently I strongarmed my friend into getting a flu shot today.

“Hand over all of your comic routines! This is a schtick-up!”

I imagine Superman procrastinates on his chores like “I'll leave those dishes for the Man of Tomorrow.”

My D&D party got attacked by a cloud of insects. Unfortunately for us, they rolled a gnat 20.

Modern physics research is so specialized, you can give a talk in a lecture hall full of quantum physicists and only a small fraction will follow.
The condensed-matter people figured this out first, of course, and call it the fractional quantum hall effect.

I've heard that cellular automata researchers don't have the best work-Life balance.

A charcuterie spread with the meat in the shape of a peace sign, call that salaami

“I harvested these vines from a WWI battlefield.”
“You know, that's a little morbid.”
“Yeah, that's why they're called Ypres creepers.”

Apparently some fish can sort of walk on land, like the walking catfish or walking lungfish. But what I really want to see is a walking bass.

Bill's Box system was the key technological breakthrough making completion of the Pokédex possible. That's why it's memorialized in the Pokémon theme song, Gotta Cache 'em All.

Hemingway said “Write drunk, edit sober.” But shouldn't it be the other way around? And if not, why is it called proof reading?

I'm in a pickle, can you go get the dill sergeant?

I tried to quit the New York Times crossword but I don't have the strength. It's like, I see one and I can't resist: my will shorts.

I'm studying up before I go to the political rally, because I heard that chants favor the prepared mind.

Oh you ship Rosencrantz and Guildenstern? That's all right; so did Hamlet.

Why yes I'm pro-phase, I never metaphase I didn't like. Anaphase, every phase; you can telophase I'm a supporter from my head to mitosis.

Why say “pork meatballs in a sweet BBQ sauce” when you could just say “gulab jamón”?

Why do we call it jetlag and not being time zoned out?

“What do you think of the city?”
“Oh, it's super!”
“So you like it?”
“No, I meant I have to watch for signs when I commute.”

Do you know how many pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? I'm feeling kind of peckish.

I've been trying to build a freecycled clock, but I've had trouble finding the parts to make it. But I did get one second hand!

I'm excited about the Dune film coming out this fall! Do you think the soundtrack will feature the Spice Girls?

Little-known fact: Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov originally wanted to write a careful chronology of the 1001 Nights before his editor insisted he write a symphonic suite instead. His early drafts were to be burned... but a few escaped. Read the story in the Tale of the Calendar Prints.

I was wondering why I hadn't seen much discussion of covid-19 variants on Facebook, but then I realized it's probably all taking place on SNPChat.

My friend is opening a cheese shop in Utah. I didn't think he had the funds, but apparently he got a Provo loan.

Why is it called “primal scream” and not “scream-of-consciousness”?

Harlan Ellison daringly asks “what's the point of going on Twitch in the post-apocalypse?”, in his acclaimed new short story I Have No Mouth and I Must Stream.

Happy Bengali New Year to my double reed friends — shubho oboe-borsho!

Someone recommended me a whispered version of the Lord of the Flies audiobook, but I'm not interested. Sucks to your ASMR.

If there's nothing over my head, then why is it raining over there but not over here? This is a roof by contradiction.

We couldn't meet in person to decide which tea makes the best starter, so we had to vote in app sencha.

Considering dressing as a road next Halloween; it'll be my all-tar ego.

If you didn't think tonight was different from all other nights, you might think people are making Matzo Dough About Nothing.

Hey Pokémon fans, why do you call them fakemon when “fauxkémon” is right there?

This RPG I'm playing interrupted the main plot to have me help two gangs reconcile so two of their members can go out. Talk about a quest side story.

I heard that hotel workers took a long time to unionize. I blame inn fighting.

What's Batman's least favorite dessert?

Rather than keeping tabs on the Indentation Wars, I've decided to give them some space(s).

What cheese is the best at turning left?

Nooblesse oblige: where the incoming monarch is still expected to be kind to their subjects, even though they just started the job and are kinda new at this

Dehydrated Indian food isn't dried so much as Desi-ccated.

Hi, you've reached The Hunter's Restaurant. You kill 'em we grill 'em, you stab 'em we slab 'em, you melee 'em we sautée 'em, you poach 'em we poach 'em, you trap 'em we wrap 'em, you toast 'em we roast 'em, you break 'em we bake 'em, you impede 'em we sous vide 'em, you

My Roomba told me it was tired of being a vacuum cleaner and I said, “suck it up.”

My friend's Samoyed is getting old and going gray, and it looks good on her. I guess every cloud has a silver lining.

What's an allergist's favorite kind of dance?
A pollenaise.

I've been trying to understand holonomy today, but no luck. I just keep going in circles.

“Who's saying that I struck out? That's a baseless accusation.”

How do you compute the Google Fiber of Google Maps? Do you need to know their Google Images?

Anjou? Delicious. Bartlett: pretty great! This has been pear review.

“These two species of palm trees are symbionts, or you could say they're fronds with benefits.”

The detective figured out that the ballerina was the murderer during their pas deduce.

When the ice cream truck drives by, I think to myself, “cool whip!”

This Spotify end-of-the-year stuff is totally a publicity generator: now they have everyone's Wrapped attention.

“Hey Robin Hood, that wouldn't happen to be the forest over there, would it?”
“Sher wood.”

East Africa's best guitarists hail from the Great Riff Valley.

Engineers drag physicists for assuming a perfect vacuum.

Did you know that in Much Ado About Nothing, Beatrice is coded as deeply Christian? You can tell because she spends so much time doing Benedict-shuns.

Hamlet, reading last week's Danish covid news [about Cluster 5]: “Something is rotten in the minkdom of Denmark!”

Last time I visited NorCal, I realized I missed it more than I thought. So I had to update my Bay-esian priors.

If I were a Dynkin diagram, I would simply laced

Claiming string theory has applications to cosmology is a real galaxy brane take.

A Trump staffer interviewed about this Four Seasons story said, “We decided to spring for it and, well, pride comes before a fall. So now is the winter of our dissed content, made glorious summer by our son of New York.”

“So how was ‘Sard Wars: The Morse Awakens?’”
“Meh, it was pretty generic”

I went to the dollar store and they had The Portrait of Dorian Grey for sale! This is buck Wilde!

I just realized why so many representation theorists have type A personalities.

Most functional analysis courses don't cover anything more general than Banach spaces, but some deviate from the norm.

The fly that stole the show at tonight's VP debate was nice-looking, which made it a pretty fly for a white guy.

The tools auctioneers use to bring in additional offers are more-bidly fascinating.

“This is the wrong time to do a Tommy Wiseau impression. Come on, read the room!”

“Ever since we noticed each other's lightcones, we've been dating causally.”

So I'm hearing that this year's Hacktoberfest was apparently a PR disaster?

September 30th: bordism categories
October 1st: gourdism categories

My friend assumed I'd be celebrating Yom Kippur and I was like, "Not so fast!"

Did you know you can dissolve more ramen flavor packets in hot water than cold water? This is called soupersaturation.

I know this is totally out of left field, but if Nintendo released a popular baseball game, it would be a Switch hitter!

Will Joseph Gordon-Levitt actually like Mesopotamian archaeology, or is this just a fantasy he built up in his head? Coming soon to theaters near you: 500 Days of Sumer.

I had been uncomfortable with the advertisement for a while, but today I decided to pull the plug.

What's the Bengali word for color? Rong answers only.

“There's no way he's actually into ergonomics; he's just posturing.”

Rostand is such a great playwright: Cyrano de Bergerac's sense of humor is really on the nose!

"Ever since his manual stalled and he lost it in quicksand, he's been a real stick in the mud about staying with automatics."

I always wondered why Texans will drive so far to get to work. Today I figured it out: there's so much commuting here because in time zones, we're central.

"Um, that baby deer is shedding its skin. Is that normal?"
"Oh yeah, sure, I think it's just exfoaliating."

Paleontologists discover world's oldest photosynthetic plasmids in what is being called a "'plast from the past"

I decided to pass the time with a VeggieTales workout video, but just my luck, it was the Pilates Who Don't Do Anything. Though, with VeggieTales, the Pilate Who Doesn't Do Anything is a lot more likely.

Is it middlebrow to shave the bridge of my nose?

Concept: a Dutch royals' hip-hop group called "Rhymes with Orange"

If you build a quarantine unit out of flatfish, would you call that a shelter in plaice?

Making good Powerpoint presentations is hard, which is why it's good that they're judged on a sliding scale.

I've been in a few sketchy ska bands, which is to say I've had a checkered past.

Sad: imitation spiced pea curry
Rad: I Can't Believe It's Not Mutter!

When the kleptomaniacs' club fell under suspicion, someone had to take one for the team.

In the souvenir store, it looks cute, but at home, it looks tacky. That's called a kitsch-22.

Even before the bacon had burned, the mystic sensed the pasta's carbon aura.

I downloaded a book on topoi in mathematical logic onto my phone to learn whether Androids dream of eclectic sheaves.

Oh snap, it's just the Washington Football Team. I guess this is just the NFL Draft name, an incomplete holding pattern, until they can make a conversion. Anyone could pick six better names. Will this drive press coverage?

"He's not actually a werewolf, but he moonlights as one."

I know putting "co-" in front of words is a math joke cliché, but "co-email" is sending me.

You really need some long words to handle current events these days. When the alt-right vilifies the director of NIAID, that's Fauci Nazi nihilist vilification. When they want to reopen bars, that's anti-distanced tap wish-meant Aryanism. They say they're gonna die without beer. New motto: alt-right might go scoping silly convolved ketosis. I think these super callous fatalistic takes be all atrocious.

"Do you like groupoids?"
"Eh, I can go back and forth"

There and Back Again: A Boomerang's Tale

I'm not a huge fan of this Indian yogurt, but it's all raita.

Got a bunch of paintings of soup cans from a competitive auction. What a war haul!

"Structurally, Op. 17, No. 2 is really more of a fantasy for piano... but it moonlights as a sonata."

In Much Ado About Nothing, Beatrice and Benedict fell in love at first slight.

How fast can Aragorn run?
Big O(Mortensen).

"You're telling me your beekeeping background means you know this was made with butterfly pea flowers!?"
"Well yes, blue tea is in the eye of the bee holder."

I saw a gratuitously placed times table in this movie I was watching and I thought, what blatant product placement!

"What are you doing? We're going to run out of spices eventually, one way or another."
"Yeah, but I'm buying thyme."

"Let's not make any fine navigational adjustments, only coarse corrections."

Wait several hours for the dough to rise, or more succinctly, leave and let leaven.

What medicine do asthmatic owls take?

Headline: Are criminals' vision and hearing really better than average? Read the con-senses consensus

In this book I'm reading, you know this up-and-coming golfer will be great based on how well he observes and learns from his mentor. Excellent fore shadowing.

🎵🎵🎵 Cut my list into pieces
This is my last quicksort

Palpatine convincing Jar Jar to propose giving him emergency powers is a great example of political Binksmanship.

Copyright issues aside, "Black Pink" would be a great name for a KBBQ joint.

How do you get a flock of sheep to do an about face?
Make an ewe turn.

Saturday, May 9th, would've been the 43rd annual O'Henry Pun-Off, if not for the Covid-19 pandemic postponing it. It's my favorite annual Austin event; it fits me to a tea. Pu'er one out for Assam of the best comedy in town! Call me a chai-hard if you're disa-green, but it's been t-oolong since the last matchaup, and it's driving me tisane! I've been long jing for everyone to shou mei their best, keemun from as far as Darjeeling on Russian Caravans. I'm lucky: I just chamomile downtown to the Bigelow stage in the park and Lipton-to the middle.
It's all white: it'll be black in October. Bring your sweet-tea and your best maté and take a pekoe. Tell your TA: go on in. The world's sencha the best of the best punsters. Get there Earl-y, greyt! There's live music: jazz-mine favorite year. And if you don't like puns, maybe some herb'll get you through it (sorry, I know that's not a PG Tip!)
So I'm not feeling too brew: there's a latte look forward to. If affogato the positive things and joes to poreover the espresso-ly frappé ones, that'd be mocha-do about nothing. My friend Maxwell roast me, tirami-some new ones, saying I'm Keurig too much and I better get a Kahlúa. But no, we've had some doppio news lately: we've macchiato the local nitro-ly news and into larger markets: I did a double-double take when I saw we'd been mentioned in the French press!

"Ad in the paper, she's rolling in the deep with action figures, selling 99c a pop. Should we buy?" "Yes, dial Adele, a dollar a doll's a dilly deal, Dale!"

"You know what programming paradigm is the most tense? Imperative!"
"Oh, that's a mood."

I imagined that I had painted The Treachery of Images, but I woke up and it was just a pipe dream.

On May the 4th, I remember that I always liked Star Wars' imperfect future aesthetic. It feels more realistic. Even Luke's prosthetic looks second hand.

"Like a neuron, he just axon impulses all the time."
"Oh, the nerve!"

"Treat everyone you meet kindly, because someday the arrows may be reversed," said Tom, cogently.

Marketing a new condiment is hard. If you want to succeed against all your competitors, you have to beat the spread.

In this house we stan names of central Asian countries.

"Well, since we were in the same fraternity, how about I represent you bro bono?"

"Oh no, my chickens escaped!"
"Hopefully you can recoop them."

I heard that the best way to learn mirror symmetry is from the algebraic side, and that starting with symplectic topology is smooth-braned.

"How could you have decanted my sweet wine! Oh, my poor, poured, port!"

I had a premonition that the change machines at the front of the grocery store were going to declare independence. Not sure what all that Coinstar-nation was about.

"There's something fishy about this secret agent. We thought he's a carp-carrying member of a communist grouper, but that was crappie intel: he was using a codname and a fake beard!"
"Walleye-'ll be! Donning a fake beard to appear Communist? What a red hairing!"
"Yeah, Sam-and I haddock clue: it smelt off, but I couldn't plaice it. I was daced, shook to my sole, when I found trout. We're floundering and need to do betta."
"No use being remoras-ful. Can you let minnow where he is now?"
"Yeah, he got pirahna-d and barracudad his dory shut."
"Tang it! Really? What would mako him do that?"
"Marlin's beard, don't be koi. He's not bluefin and wouldn't make this door-ado for the halibut. He must have piked up on our tuna and thinks we're gonna perch him."
"Oh pollocks. I was sardine we could keep this sitch-lidded. I'm loach to admit it, but the way he's scuplin out a long-term bass here, this might get back to the sturgeon general!"
"Oh, snapper! That's a shockeye don't want to deal with!"

Were they still called the Carpathian Mountains before there were any roads through them?

All trucks carrying cheese curds: please proceed to the whey station.

The cops ran in, guns blazing!
And the baker followed, buns glazing!
Then a mother cow, sons grazing!
Then a charity worker, funds raising!
And finally I ran in, puns phrasing.

I had a joke about an old soda bottle, but it fell flat.

When gauge theorists go to networking events, are they hoping to make a lot of connections?

I gave the chef cart blanch to dip my wheelbarrow in boiling water.

"Barkeep, do you have any good draft beers?"
"We do, but they're not finished yet."

If you want a machine that can predict sneezes, it had better be pretty on the nose.

Whichever politician best advocates for shelter-in-place is getting my indoors-ment.

If you can explain to me in rhyme how to package presents, you have my rapped wrapped rapt attention.

I heard that Blackpink is releasing an album full of Kpop covers of operatic music! It'll be called In Your Aria.

My friend is running a D&D campaign where a band of evil musicians sow discord and cause destruction. It sounds like they'd rather be playing Bards Against Humanity.

"Hey, would you mind telling me, is this a big crack in the ground?"
"Yeah, f'ssure."

Once upon a time, someone wrote a trilogy of empty books: no words on any page. A reviewer commented, "this silence speaks volumes."

Just throwing this out there, but does lowballing a quote count as an underhanded sales pitch? I think it's a toss-up.

"I draw a card, and, uh, it tells me that I suck?"
"Yeah, just add it to your diss card pile."

I heard SF's considering heated train cars and I thought, aww, that's BARTwarming!

Why was Genghis Khan such an effective warlord?
Because he was always one steppe ahead of the rest.

"Oh no, why did you build a model of DC out of yogurt?"
"I wanted to gain more cultural capital."

My friend took the unconventional step of filling her punching bag with flour, and I thought, isn't that going against the grain?

At tonight's poetry slam, someone emotionally soliloquized her diary of adventures with her daughter. It was a dramatic mom-o-log.

The tau-ists seem to think that nobody actually believes π is better, as if we're being led away by some sort of πd πper. Happy Pi Day!

If you can prepare and cook shellfish without thinking about it, you might have mussel memory.

"We have an exam on 3-manifold decompositions today."
"Oh, is it going to be open book?"

What kind of tea is the best? I used to think this was a black-and-white issue, but now I see there's also an Earl Grey area.

I ate calf meat, and then (gasp) I ate it again! What a dramatic re-veal.

Disgraced Senator Joe McCarthy was also an overbearing parent. Any grade lower than a B was failure in his eyes, until someone finally asked him, "Have you no sense of Ds and Cs?"

The time and money you spend on a cat is reimbursed by a purr diem.

My favorite underground pub has closed! I'm a little sad, but it's a low bar to get over.

Why do we call it "endorsing a Democratic candidate" and not "showing your primary colors"?

They said I was good at misleading opponents in fencing, but then I overestimated myself. I was damned by feint praise.

She said, "Wait, I didn't know we were boyfriend and girlfriend," with a dear-in-the-headlights look.

My band might have a gig to play in a cornfield later, but I'm not sure. I think we're playing it by ear.

Read the latest panini news here, hot off the press!

My friend and I were texting about traffic rules on one-way streets, but then I got left on red.

Someone insisted to me that gradient ascent always finds the global maximum and I thought, are you sure that's the hill you want to die on?

Applied algebraic topology: a chain restaurant is just a finite formal sum of restaurants.

"Wow, why have I only been hearing Hungarian Romantic piano pieces?"
"Oh yeah, it's my Spotify play Liszt."

Why call it e-waste and not LANfill?

"Take a virtual tour of your new home on your phone," said the augmented realty agent.

The stoners' photo dictionary: now in high definition.

I don't know what you would call a steamed bun filled with fortified wine, but it'd probably be a portmantou.

Having some difficulty constructing this spectral sequence #nofilter

I'm hoping I can pull through these parking spaces, but if not, I have a back up plan.

The alien songwriter got out of the UFO and said to the assembled crowd, "Take me to your lieder."

Draw a six-sided figure around the cursed object, and then, voilà! Hex-a-gone.

"I've given up on English; I'll switch to Welsh."
"What's the reason for your disavowel?"

What's a billiards player's favorite kind of cookie?

If you're overly selective about what concerts you go to, you might be a showvinist.

Would you organize an audio library in the Dewey Decibel System?

When Don Quijote goes to the market after dark, that's an errant knight-errant night errand.

My life changed when I shook a palm tree and an incredibly heavy fruit fell down. It was a date with density.

"I actually really like thunderstorms, just not right here," said the cumulonimby.

When my friend makes Big Bang jokes while his food heats up, that's a comic microwave background.

At the make-your-own-sushi event, I rolled up in style.

They said I shouldn't invest in nitrous oxide companies, but I don't care if I look like a laughing stock.

How about an ergonomic pen called Gorillaz, because it's feel-good ink?

A farmer used some of his fruit to make ice cream. His friend asked, "how'd it come out?"
"Great," he said. "It's the cream of the crop!"

Idea: a spiked chai scented candle called Nirvana, because it smells like tea spirits.

Some oceanfront landowners argue that they deserve private beach access, but I think that's just en-tidal-ment.

That bridge must be a drawbridge, because it looks a little sketchy.

When the fir yearned for the spruce, the spruce didn't like the fir. Later, when the fir didn't like the spruce, the spruce yearned for the fir. This has been a pine koan.

Our dog loves running in circles, which is how you know he's really a lap dog.

This is the steppe biome. I never knew my real biome.

This is the year to go all out with your New Year's party! It'll be a while before you can party so decadendly again.

When it comes to changing tires, I don't know jack.

Restaurant names inspired by movies:
Forrest Gumbo
The Shape of Watermelon
Soy Story
Kiwi's Delivery Service
Halwa's Moving Castle
A-Pocky-lypse Now
The Lamb Shank Redemption
Beauty and the Beets

When I first listened to music that wasn't in the Top 40, I was in uncharted territory.

Every time his nose blinked, all of the other reindeer thought it was in terrible taste. Rude on, rude off.

The city is hiring a worker to update all letters on tombstones in the cemetery to uppercase. The work is to be done late at night – it's graveyard shift.

Happy Hannukah! Sometimes people give me chocolate coins for Hanukkah – but because I'm not Jewish, isn't that gelt by association?

The rabbits got to the lettuce patch and now it's a holey Romaine empire.

I read an article on 15 signs that you were probably emo in middle school and, well, I feel so scene right now!

I ordered a sandwich upstairs, but it's the hero of another story.

“Is this function's derivative nice enough to optimize?”
“Yes, I give it my gradient assent.”

I flipped over my friend's band's single and was amazed to hear my own voice. I was B-side myself!

The brooch had Mandarin written on it. How should we write it in English? I had an idea, but it was only a pin in Pinyin opinion.

“You have déjà vu? Wow, you're totally living the dream.”

“This isn't butter, it's ghee,” Tom clarified.

In Sonic Adventure 2, Eggman scrapes off half of the moon. There's no way that works in real life. It's shear lunacy!

So, you want to do quantum mechanics. Are you sure it's not just a phase?

I made the mistake of telling people that I like recumbent bikes. I had to do a lot of backpedaling.

I'm trying to understand town plazas from the very beginning, so I have to go back to square one.

This cooking video game sure has a lot of cutscenes.

I wrote and recited a poem about dipping donuts in coffee. People really liked it — it was a slam dunk!

When I finally looked down and noticed the pattern in the tiles, I was floored.

“Where have I seen Abe Lincoln's face before?” Tom asked, innocently.

Paperback books warn you that if they don't have a cover, they might be pirated. But I always felt like that was a spineless assertion.

The agave was ringing! So I picked it up, put it to my ear, and said, “Aloe?”

“Don't drop the ranch, or you'll get a dressing down.”

What's a meteor's favorite font?

Sometimes people get arrested for repainting “A” Mountain, near downtown Tucson. What a strange hill to dye on.

I heard General Mills is looking for a candidate with social media experience to hire as a bran manager.

Letters are all write, but numbers are what counts.

The weather wasn't the best today. But on a brighter note, I got some neon Post-Its!

If you want to tell a story about fishing, it's got to have a good hook.

“The cave echoes if you shout action words at it, but not objects.”
“I see, it re-verbs.”

I met a dog that helps people understand complex numbers. He's a seeing i dog.

There are a few different notions for exterior products, and mathematicians get really animated arguing which is the best. I had no idea it was such a wedge issue.

“Dad, what's this hot tub in the yard?”
“Son, ah sawn a sauna.”
“Yew wood? You would.”

I know this is a long shot, but have you ever drank hard liquor out of one of those yard glasses?

Apparently a shop making figure-8 shaped bagels is opening up downtown. It's a nice idea, but their advertising looks hyperbolic and gives off a holier-than-thou attitude.

If wifi suddenly stopped working, the world would surely descend into a horror-movie scenario: the Silence of the LANs.

People often forget about the moralizing influence of the Pauli exclusion principle — but, after all, it prevents two fermions from living together in spin.

According to Shakespeare, why did Juliet hate combing her hair?
Because parting is such sweet sorrow.

Flutes, clarinets, and saxophones: “Let's all use a unified fingering system!”
Double reeds: “OK Boehm-er”

J'aime le sandwich vietnamien. C'est un bon ami.

What vegetable looks the most like a straight line?
The queuecumber.

Some friends suggested I post my puns on a separate account, lest I be accused of being corny on main.

“Help! I've been turned into a coffeepot!!”
“Oh, pour you.”

When you're drowning in bureaucratic paperwork, it's probably because they tried to optimize for forms over function.

Is predicting the future of the Czech capital Praguenostication?

“This car can take corners at very high speeds, if you get my drift.”

…wait, shouldn't “pop rock” and “dad rock” be synonyms?

🎶🎶 Sweet dreams are made of tea;
Who am I to diss a green?

I'm not so much a furniture expert as an armchair enthusiast.

Shakespeare's histories are really just comedies of eras.

This avocado is overripe. What a Hass-been.

If Bruce Banner has seven PhDs, shouldn't we call him The Credible Hulk?

“You only eat egg whites? Haha, what a health nerd!”
“My health is no yolking matter.”

Girl, it's like I'm cos(x) and you're sin(x), …because my physics friends tell me you should just be an x.

“All rise for the Greek cheesemaster,” Tom fêted.

We were arguing about how to prepare the cucumbers, so I suggested a compromise: “let's make a dill.”

Are undercover detectives on the prairie plain clothes officers?

Instead of using my real name on my computer's admin account, I go by a sudo-nym.

Gonna try using sparkling water to wash paint off of a board, because I hear it makes a great palette cleanser.

I heard they're developing a car which will automatically connect to your home's Wi-Fi.
It's a LAN Rover.

The film director hired an actor to play a dishwasher, but he broke his arm, couldn't wash the dishes, and ended up damaging them. Talk about cast irony.

If you hate pizza crusts, you might be the anti-crust. But if you love them, maybe you're a Crustafarian, born and bread in the the Crust Belt, suffering a crushting political defeat after crussting a line being cheesy, and eventually rising to become a crustworthy pizza the community.

Everyone tells me it's better to keep my phone on vibrate, but I don't get what all the buzz is about.

Heard rumors about a revolutionary ballpoint pen design in the making. Bic if true

Chickpea farmers know how to stay relevant, because they keep their fingers on the pulse.

What's Professor Oak's favorite branch of math?
In-dex theory.

Be mindful skiing on newly fallen snow: with great powder comes great responsibility.

Water collecting on grass overnight? Yeah no, I don't believe it for a second. It's too dewbious.

Tired: Beethoven festival
Wired: Deafcon

To prevent people from stealing the Declaration of Independence, they have to lock it in a nick cage.

“Did you hear the highway's been blocked by a bunch of fruit preserves?”
“No! Did it cause a jam?”
“I don't know; check the jellyvision.”

When I finally understood asymptotic notation, it was a big “Oh” moment.

If you want your car to honk at a specific pitch, you'll have to auto tune it.

“This seashore sucks. It's litorally the worst.”

If you're broadcasting video using the in-flight wifi of a trans-Atlantic flight, that's (probably) a jet stream jet stream.

If a clothing company offered lifetime warranties, they'd have to in-denim-ify anyone who tore holes in their jeans.

“When we first recorded this traditional Australian music, it just sounded wrong.”
“Oh… didgeridoo it?”

If I want a six-pack, I'd better start all the way back at square one: the ab initio workout.

At first I wondered, “why perverse sheaves?” But now IC.

Make fun of virtual reality sports all you want, I think they're mind-bowlingly innovative.

I tried recreating some of Warhol's pop art. But my copy looks weird; I think I landed in the uncanny valley.

I want to authenticate my letters with a picture of an aquatic animal. Should I go for the seal seal or the cygnet signet?

“Who let you have a periscope? That's a big oversight.”

If you can make the rockets launch on thyme, you might actually be playing Herbal Space Program.

Becoming an accomplished cheesemaker would definitely be a feta in your cap.

Post Rogue One, the Galactic Empire must have switched to sans Scarif fonts.

Sigh, my leftover vegetable curry heated up super unevenly in the microwave. That makes it A Saag of Ice and Fire.

Which city in Kanto has the best foodie scene?
Palate Town.

“I, as my father before me, search for the missing bees; it was his bee quest bequest.”

Apparently at College Gameday today, someone asked Matthew McConaughey what his favorite framed knot invariants are.
He answered, “all writhe, all writhe, all writhe.”

I'm anxiously awaiting the day when I can buy an LP of Europe's (the band) greatest hits…
It's the vinyl countdown!

I have a hard time drawing with tree branches. The best I can do is stick figures.

“I've seen some bad parking jobs, but this is crossing the line.”

Have you ever had corn on the cob go bad? Mine had some bugs in it, so I had a moment of kernel panic, which caused a corn dump.

“We're trying to disrupt the baseball industry. Would you like to hear my startup pitch?”

If you're not an expert at painting walls, it might help to follow a primer.

“I'm going to use the color of this wine to predict the future. It'll be a potent port tint portent.”

I thought I was good at color matching but that turned out to just be huebris.

“I'm all for contemporary classical music, but how new is this piece exactly?”
“Why, it's practically fresh off the presto.”

Once upon a time there was a candy store which gave out free mints that relaxed the mind. Everyone loved them, to the point where they would eat so many and not buy anything else, and the shop had to close. It was the tragedy of the calm mints.

“Does it not bother you that your clothes are always wrinkled?”
“No, it's not a pressing concern.”

The detective slammed down the phone, took a drag on his cigarette, and growled at the dim, empty office, “You said that old chestnut, that I can't crack the case, but you pecan the wrong detective! Almond my fences with the police macademia. I'm pistachio and I will cashew.
I need a drink. I could go for a peanut noir.”

The song “Good vibrations” really resonates with me.

If Verdi wrote an opera based on Much Ado About Nothing, would he have called it La Triviata?

Making fun of people for sounding smart is dissingenious.

“I'm sorry about your Metapod, but uh, no hard feelings?”

What do new urbanist zombies want?

Don't lie about why the lawn is wet. That's dewplicitous.

ring ring
“Hi, is this Leslie?”
“No, I'm Shirley. You have the wrong number.”
“Shirley? You can't be serious.”
“I am Shirley, and don't call me. Serious.” click

It must be hellish for the flatfish trapped behind concrete, unable to get upstream. Poor dammed soles.

A line interviewed with some data points, but they called back and said it wasn't a good fit.

When asked whether he would give to the venison charity, Rhett Butler responded, “Frankly, madam, I don't give a deer.”

“An insult and a karate stance? Pathetic. You can't diss pose of me so easily!”

If you give a Sigmund Freud doll as a gift, be sure to shrink wrap it.

The weatherman said to expect strong winds this week, but I think he's just full of bluster.

I wrote to USGS asking if they would tell me the difference between true north and magnetic north, but they responded with a declination.

In the news: man accused of passing off gold-plated coins as solid gold to plead gilty.

“Do you like Old Town Road?”
“Yeah, I guess; it's a Lil Nas.”

A compiler walks into a saloon. The bartender asks, “What's yer business 'round these parts?”
The compiler says, “Not much, just parsing through.”

“I know he's funny, but don't go to his shows: his fans are crazy.”
“Great, another stanned-up comedian.”

I stubbled upon an article on the World Beard and Moustache Championships the other day, and now I'm wondering, what's the atmosphere like? Is it a bunch of prickly competitors trading barbs and side burns they've shaved for the big day, or is it more of a growth mindset?

My friend asked me to put donuts into boxes, but it was pretty boring work: by the end I was dozen off.

“Wait, you're telling me frogs are reptiles?”
“No, am fibbin'.”

“Is that a komodo dragon desktop background?”
“No, but it is a monitor lizard.”

“I Cook Saags Not Jalfrezis” by Panir! At The Disco

The guy at the camera store really wanted me to buy the sturdiest case. It was quite the hard shell.

Alice: dozes in the back of algorithms class
Bob, later: Did you sleep well?
Alice: Yeah, in theory.

I strained my neck reading about synonyms. It was thesaurus I've ever been.

I went to a coffeeshop called The Fourth Estate – but it turns out they only offer French press.

“I keep having this nightmare in which I eat a cake that says ‘EAT ME’ and then grow really big! How can I stop it?”
“Alice, have you tried seeing a shrink?”

I'm marketing to predatory birds. But I don't have a plan;‌‌‌‌‌‌‌‌‌‌ everything's ad hawk.

“Is that fog over the peninsula?”
“No, isthmus.”

“Help! I got my fingers stuck together!”
“Are you OK??”
“Well, I feel pretty glue-my.”

Did you know the movie Cast Away actually takes place within the trivial quantum field theory?
You can tell because there are no Wilson lines.

So this knight didn't like his apprentice and tried to switch, but the new one was even worse. “Oh well,” he thought, “back to squire one.”

Growing up, we had a basketball hoop in the driveway, but the basketballs would eventually hit cacti and deflate. At first I was frustrated, then just jaded: all in all, it's just another prick in the ball.

“Look, Ash, I know you already beat Koga but Team Rocket is on the move and time's running out. We must send you back to the Fuchsia!”

What's a collie's favorite dessert?
Mango Lassie.

“Make sure to show new prisoners around only on flat trails: stick to the con-tour lines.”

“How'd you hear my video went viral?”
“Oh I saw it through the great Vine.”

MS-DoSa: an embedded Windows OS, for breadboards.

In my grand gardening plan, this water feature is just an unwitting pond.

Whoever shoplifted these pumps – I'll catch them, and there'll be heel to pay!

How do you categorize the properties of different kinds of wine? By using a Vin diagram.

When academics judge each other's glances, is that a kind of peer review?

Who was the leader of the dinosaur mafia?
The pteranoDon.

Let's uproot these oafish weeds! Grab crass crabgrass!

“They're accusing me of having a nontrivial tangent bundle, but I've been framed!”

“Wow, you know so much about comic opera!”
“Yes-a, I'm an opera buff-a.”

They're asking me to bring water to the surface? Well I'll be!

Who was the meanest creature in all the Pleistocene?
The bully mammoth.

To get to the Gilroy garlic festival, take an exit at the clove-or-leaf interchange.

There's affine line between the the upper half-plane and the lower half-plane.

The sign says no adults on this playground, but hopefully they'll let it slide.

If you found a way to extract electricity from sand, you could live off the grit.

I know all the hills, the valleys, the plains and canyons: I'm on topo the world!

Is this an authentic light fixture, or a sham-delier?

What's a mathematician's favorite kind of shoes?

I tried to set my printer to use European paper sizes. It didn't work, but I got an A4 effort.

I tried to implement polynomial multiplication in C++ but I keep getting floating-point errors. Double, double, FOIL and trouble.

A distinguished chiropractor is staturesque.

My friend overtaxed himself while fishing. The doctors said it was carp-pull tunnel syndrome.

“Beer in a bucket is not what I meant when I ordered a pale ale!”

“Dude you've already told me how big your mirror is. You're just re-flexing.”

Would a prestigious job in quantum mechanics be an example of a superposition?

Some people can handle resistance; others just walk away. I don't know where to. But they seem to know where they are going, the ones who walk away from Ohm's Law.

The proprietary solution glows in the dark, but the open-source version is close enough: it's FOSS for essence.

Why does this wine make me so sleepy…? Oh right, it's from Nap-a Valley.

“These mints have nice things written on them. And they're free!”
“Oh nice, a complimentary compli-mint tray.”

In an interview, the counterfeiter reportedly said, “Those warrants for my arrest are just empty threats. Faux money, faux problems.”

I asked two groups of friends whether I should color my hair, and got completely different responses! Talk about a dye-poll moment.

Even if you never intended to adopt a kitty, seeing who's available at the shelter could be the cat-a-list for it to happen.

“You can't trust him just because he has root access. What if he believes in sudo science?”

Hearing a rap battle followed by a string quartet performance would be pretty diss concert ing.

It surprised me how few of the stories in A Thousand and One Nights took place in the desert. I guess the Sahara's odd.

Man, the lyrics to Uptown Funk are sweet like candy! Talk about Mars bars.

When the neighbors upstream argue, the sound river berates all the way down the creek.

I don't know why everyone jokes about Sandstorm, but I'm going to get to Darude of it.

This guy came around with green tea and I was like, “who sencha?”

I had a problem, so I tried to use moduli theory. Now I have a family of problems.

“We were impressed when the castle tower joined the CIA, and then it started moving up the ranks!”
“Inspiring, a spire in a spy ring aspiring.”

“What's that in the telescope? Is it a globular cluster?”
“Aye, M80.”

What's a pilot's favorite font?

I've figured it out – I'll use electrolysis to make wine. It'll be my redemption, my revenge, my vin de cation.

I heard that Shrek's animators all got along really well, because DreamWorks makes the team work.

“Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your shears,
I come to bury Scissors, not to shave him.
The weaving that men do lives after them,
The cut is oft interred with a bowl.
So let it be with Scissors…”

Does “OJ did it” count as a pulp fiction?

“…then when the road split, we went left.”
“Last time you said you went right.”
“Yeah, it's a fork to be retconned with.”

I met a judge who tried out a competitive bouldering team, but wasn't very good at it. He did lots of ledges-waiting from the bench.

Yo trato comprender las obras de Sartre, pero No Éxito.

This rain's been a fun way to learn my pens aren't waterproof. I guess that's why they call it ink lament weather.

“If you don't like this tea, well, it's my way or the chai way.”

When working with the Zariski topology, your open sets are way too big, so everything is kinda fuzzy and imprecise, and you have to squint to actually see anything. And that's why we use étale topology: it's a site for sore eyes.

“An analog stopwatch? What are you, some kind of old timer?”

In the news: local gym attracts controversy for posters with awful wordplay. Owner is not backing down, says “Puns to stay at the YMCA.”

It's time to honor our noblest comedians. Stand up, stand-up stand-ups! Up standing are our upstanding friends.

If you want to hold a party at a cabin, it helps to be good at lodgeistics.

A good ear is helpful when it comes to vehicle maintenance. For instance, when the sound a tire makes against the road lowers in pitch, you have a flat tire.

There were so many sweet potatoes at the grocery store today. It was yam-packed!

The symphonies of Brahms are as intricate as they are emotional: there are lots of moving parts.

Why does Bruce Banner shop at Costco?
The incredible bulk.

“This dessert recipe is a secret. I'll only tell you using Smores code.”

Pay attention to surjective functions – I think they're onto something.

“What do you think of a band of kazoos backed by percussion?”
“Sounds humdrum to me.”

I used to think, “well, if I'm alert and able to complain about it then it can't be that bad,” but that's a kvetch-22.

The Easter Bunny brings chocolate for kids. Maybe one year the Yeaster Bunny will bring beer for the rest of us. Hoppy Easter, everyone!

The Roads Scholars' final exam is to cut a one-lane highway through the mountains, and to make a passing grade.

Man, some snakes have expensive tastes! A diamondbag with copperheads, a feathered boa, andacondo… it adders up.

My friend said “I've given up trying to solve ∫ cos x sin x dx” and I replied, “ok, you d'you.”

“Do I need to introduce you to the power tools?”
“Nah, I know the drill.”

You either die a heroic couplet, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villanelle.

What's Willy Wonka's favorite kind of dog?
A chocolate lab.

What kind of lizard surprises you in the bathroom?
A commode dragon.

My friend Vern wanted to buy a dragon and I just thought, “Why, Vern?”

What do you get an improv comedian who has everything?
Off-the-cuff links.

For years, I didn't believe that green apples were a real thing. I thought my grandmother made them up, and that's why they were called Granny's myth apples.

“Don't worry about what goes into the fertilizer. It's just a manure detail.”

If a restaurant's lobby is between the kitchen and the tables, it's also an entreeway.

The music at the furniture store today was all Cher.

Not believing in perishable foods, and other fridge conspiracy theories

What city sounds like it has the most superheroes?
Cape Town.

To the guy who swindled me out of my aquariums: tanks for nothing!

I don't believe in two-story beds. They're bunk!

May is requesting an extension from the EU, but she's not going to get one: Ext1(🇬🇧, 🇪🇺) = 0, because the UK has decided to split.

I'm going to make glasses out of empty ketchup bottles, because Heinz-sight is 20/20.

If you and a friend want to talk spectral sequences, it helps to be on the same page.

It's easy to pirate movies on the ISS: in space, no one can hear you stream.

I heard they're making a comic about atonal music – it'll be serialized!

How are the hiking paths near the courthouse designed?
Using trail by jury.

Me: do you know any martial arts?
Classical pianist: how about Jeux d'eau?

Some mathematicians work slowly, but Paul Erdős considered speed to be very important in his mathematical work.

“Is there any reason we shouldn't get this beautiful kitchen island?”
“I can envision some counter arguments.”

When I recoiled at my friend's pairs tennis opinions, it was a doubles take double take.

If I wanted to find an optimal color palette, maybe I would try gradient ascent.

I heard of a project using machine learning to detect whether a picture contains an insect. The tagline is, “That's not a bug; it's a feature!”

“This isn't perforated. What a rip-off!”

Given that John washes his hair, how likely is it that he applies conditioner? The answer is a conditioner probability.

The other day, I got some pretty sound advice on making melodies sound more beautiful.

If I wanted to win an air guitar competition, I'd have to pull some strings.

“For one day only, we're serving crème brûlée on a crust, as part of a special pie-lit program. Happy π Day!”

Jigglypuff's neutral B: that's just how I roll.

My friend studied trigonometry outside and now he's a tan gent.

Is skipping out on a date to bleach the tips of one's hair a frosted flake?

Today at the polka dot factory, the manager came by to do a spot check.

I love drying grapes! It's my raisin d'être.

If you sung/barked a duet with Lassie, would that be a collie-and-response?

If J.S. Bach had joined the army with a smile, he would've been a Well-Tempered Cavalier.

Archimedes would've been a good rapper, because he understood diss placement.

“Try not to look angry: that's lowbrow. See if you can look surprised; that's more highbrow.”

“I don't know what gym clothes to suggest for weightlifting; this isn't my strong suit.”

It all makes sense now: in the live-action Aladdin remake, the Genie can reshape people's will, so they need him to be a will smith.

How do you psychoanalyze a potato?
Look into its eyes and say, “Hey spuddy, fry don't you chip down and tell me about your peelings.”

If you think that Turangalîla is the only good symphony, you might have a Messiaen complex.

If a playwright places subtle spoilers at stage level, is that called floorshadowing?

They always told me I should visit Ecuador sooner rather than later. You know, Quito while you're ahead.

“I might use different colors here, but you do hue.”

“You like nouns, too? That makes you the second person pro-noun.”

“I messed up, kids; this bread isn't crispy enough. Don't call papadum.”

After my friend got a hearing aid, he believed everything he heard, because the custom ear is always right.

My favorite deli just switched from square sandwiches to circular ones. I'm worried that they're cutting corners.

When a dog falls in love, has it met its other arf?

It used to bother me how ice, water, and steam were so different and yet the same, but these days I'm unphased by it.

My doctor suggested that in 30 years, I should punch trees to stay in health. He said he read this in a book called Knock On Tree For Old Men.

In World War 3, the bomb is the law and thelaw is the bomb – a live ordinance.

If you wanted to learn how to construct the Spin groups without all the messy details, would you just read the Cliff notes?

“This is a 1999 French wine… or as I like to say, a vin de siècle.”

He was an electrician. She was a politician. Together, they were a power couple.

Every time I visit London, the river looks completely different! Seems like the Thames, they are a-changin'.

When I sing along with someone, I try to sound consonant, but usually I just sound vowel.

If my aunt asked how she could act against mainstream white supremacists, I'd say “Auntie, diss establishment Aryanism!”

“My friend is playing mini golf!”
“Eew, so off-putting.”

I hated differential forms when I was an undergrad. They gave me a complex!

“I made you a jacket for your birthday. ¡Fleece cumple!”

Why did Stalin dislike the Moscow Aquarium?
Because it had anemones of the people.

“This is the best dried poblano pepper.”
“You mean the head ancho?”

The Little Engine That Could succeeded because it believed in itself. Does that make it a self esteam engine?

The ringmaster said that founding a circus was his clowning achievement.

“I've heard you switched to veggie burgers?”
“Just tempeh, rarely.”

I asked my friend why he used such a low-level language for webdev, and he said, “C is for cookies; that's good enough for me.”

If Stan Lee was a sculptor, he would have created the Marble Cinematic Universe.

“Is this a moving van?”
“Well officer, right now it's stopped.”

They said, if you like his style then take a page out of his book; but that sounds like tearable advice to me.

If a D&D group uses dice that look like sushi, that's roll-playing roll playing role-playing.

If you have trouble publishing a book on armoires, you may have to turn to a vanity press.

My friend hurt his wrist making candy. The doctor said it was caramel tunnel syndrome.

Why did the Guns N' Roses tour bus break down?
Its axles were slashed.

Carb Wars: Some New Hops
The Carb Wars Challah-day Special
Carb Wars: The Empanada Strikes Back
Carb Wars: Return of the Bread-i
Carb Wars: The Pannetone Menace
Carb Wars: Attack of the Scones
Carb Wars: Revenge of the Ritz
Carb Wars: The Fork Awakens
Roti One: A Carb Wars Story
Carb Wars: The Last Red Rye
Soda: A Carb Wars Story

“Why would you bring a periscope birdwatching? That's so over the top.”

At first, the editor thought an article on down jackets would be a fluff piece, but eventually they warmed up to the idea.

I have a friend who's a surgeon and a comedian – how cool is that? Anyways, he's got an open Mike night coming up.

When my friend shared his collection of Japanese comics with me, I thought it was pretty manganimous of him.

The recipe said to spend an hour organizing one of the spices in my cheapest washbasin, but to me that sounded like a dime sink thyme sync time sink.

What do you get when you put a Santa hat on a cat? Felis navidad.

“How about I promote your jokes and you promote mine? It'll be a quip pro quo.”

Erosion is why we can't have gneiss things.

Rejected titles for Indian cooking shows:
Kheer Eye for the Straight Guy
A Saag of Ice and Fire
How I Met Your Mutter
Code Gheeass
I Love Luchi
The Legend of Pakora

“We call ourselves The Igneous Intrusion, because, well, we're a rock band.”

If you ran a food blog centered in the Salinas Valley, you could call it Eats of Eden.

“All you do is tell puns. It's getting old.”
“What, like a schtick in the mud?”

A man walks into a bar with a dog and says to the bartender, “This is a talking dog. I'll bet you a drink he can answer a question.”
The bartender says, “Sure. Ok doggy, what's your favorite spin cobordism invariant?”
“Clifford, how about a different one?”
(they get thrown out)
The dog looks at the man and says, “Ok fine, next time I'll say ‘index of the Dirac operator.’ ”

I don't think my tree is making great life choices, but hey, yew do yew.

If you write your unspoken thoughts on a sandwich, is that subtext?

Yoda was quite the tour de Force in The Empire Strikes Back.

Claudio heard a rumor that Hero wasn't tending their trees correctly – but it turned out to be mulch ado about nothing.

Little-known fact: the asparagus pee smell is actually caused by a wizard using it to shield himself. You see, piss is the awning of the mage of asparagus.

I'm ambivalent about topography: it has its ups and downs.

The BIPM recently voted to change the definition of the gram away from a standard reference mass, which will now be retired. #latergram

1. Fantastic Beats and Where to Find Them
2. Fantastic Beats: The Rhymes of Grindelwald
3. ???

Don't disguise yourself as a window – it's a pane in the neck and people will see right through it.

Yo quiero sopa pero mi novia quiere comida japonesa. Por último, yo compro miso.

In Catan, why is it called Longest Road and not Colossus of Roads?

A donkey gets stuck in fresh pavement. Is the owner negligent or is it the asphalt?

What's a parrot's favorite nut?
A macaw-demia.

Where do superpositions of hazelnuts live?
In a filbert space.

I met a bald man who told me how much nicer it is to use soap on your head instead of shampoo. He really rubbed it in.

Technically, isn't RSA a kind of two-factor authentication?

“Please be careful with the spices: this recipe is thyme-sensitive.”

Did you hear that The Wrinkles are headlining at ACL this weekend?

How did fried chickens evolve from ordinary chickens?
By selective breading.

What's the Second Viennese School's favorite kind of pasta?

I found myself falling in love with a display house, but in the end it was just stock home syndrome.

“Oh no, there are additional flowers!” Tom said, morosely.

“That campsite on the left side of the ship unnerves me… I think it's a port tent.”

In flag lowering news, standards are going down everywhere.

When a brewer wants to calculate a best-fit line, do they use a yeast-squares regression?

What do you get if you bury fool's gold in a treasure chest on a desert island?
Pyrites of the Caribbean.

If you've seen one horned Sith lord, you've seen a Maul.

Did you know the Monty Hall problem is considered to be the G.O.A.T. math puzzle?

“Do you think he's compensating for something?”
“No; sometimes a sick car is just a sick car.”

Undergrads learn about Fourier transforms, and PhD students learn about five-year transforms.

If you falsely accused a choir of only having sopranos, altos, and tenors, would it be a bassless allegation?

If you're only willing to talk to your spouse through a colander, your relationship might be strained.

My friend went wine tasting, and I feel chalice! In her pictures on Tumbler, she snifter wine before drinking. I thought you goblet up – where'd my confusion stem from?

I had hoped they couldn't find a basis, but then they threw a spanner in the works.

What did the category theorist say to the group theorist?
Quick, act naturally!

If the French had lost the World Cup final, I bet they would have said, “Soccer bleu!”

You know that awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone, but you both keep walking in the same direction? They should call that Much Adieu About Nothing.

My friend said he saw two copies of his physician and I thought, isn't that a paradox?

What do you get if you move a Fig Newton one meter?
A Fig Joule.

Where do bears that want to be hermits live?
The bruindocks.

If you had a black box algorithm to solve gradient descent, would you call it the Oracle of ∇φ?

Be careful to not get get addicted to sewing monks' clothing: it's habit forming.

Be careful scuba diving in the Rio Grande, because you could get Big Bends.

I bet Alanis Morissette thinks the royal wedding is ironic, because it's like reign on your wedding day.

We had south Indian food for lunch today. It was a sambar occasion.

“Well, this dessert recipe didn't work. Luckily, I have a flan B!”

I dreamt that I was eating Altoids that tasted like Fig Newtons – but they were just fig mints of my imagination.

If they made a musical about Gregor Mendel, the lead would have to mind his peas and cues.

If you insulted someone who asked for directions, it would be diss orienting.

Americans want to drive on the right and the British want to drive on the left, but I'm sure we could come to a middle-of-the-road compromise about it.

Entropy is such a hot mess.

If Sigmund Freud had become a dentist, he would've told his patients “Sit on the couch and tell me about your fillings.”

A popular chandelier store is a fixture in its community.

Take C over (r times 2),
I just want to tell you that it's not in ℚ.
It might sound crazy, but it ain't no lie,
baby, pi pi pi!
(pi pi)!

What's a particle physicist's favorite salad dressing?
Bosonic vinegarette.

Today would be a good day to put small lightbulbs on sale and call it Nightlight Savings Time.

On a boat, if you can't walk in a straight line without falling over, you might not be drunk, but you're definitely shipfaced.

Caring for long hair can be a lot of effort, but you can take a short cut.

Convex functions aren't bad… just a little past their prime.

At first, I didn't want to go spelunking. But eventually, I caved.

“Anakin, remember to savor the little things in life.”
“Saber the little things? I can do that.”

Have you ever met a golfer who has their schedule down to a tee? It's impressive because it requires a lot of fore-thought.

Deeply contemplating the nature of baklava would be an example of filo-sophy.

When a panda is confused about its dinner, is it bamboo-zled?

What's a dog's favorite kind of bread?

In a new poll of the best shaving creams, the winning brand just scraped by the runner-up in a close shave! Annoyed that they didn't make the cut in such a razor-thin margin, the runner-up bristled about it at first, but eventually turned the other cheek to smooth it over.

Never get in an argument with your echo; it'll always have the last laugh.

What's a hipster's favorite superhero?
Irony Man (alias Tony Snark).

I wanted to make some soup on Wall Street, so I asked a stock broker if I could buy some bullion.

If you hurt your wrists making pasta, would that be carbal tunnel syndrome?

When Rudolph took the lead position in Santa's sled, did that make him a reign deer?

I put my computer in the freezer and it got frost byte.

“I think the baker has a rye sense of humor.”
“Oh don't get caraway.”

If you tried to join the army with pieces of Indian bread as your weapons, they'd tell you that's a naan-starter and make you a naan-combatant.

“Why do you like pesto so much?”
“It appeals to my basil desires.”

“I don't want to be king for another few years… can I take a reign check?”

If I ever got a hangover from an unsweet sparkling wine I'd be like, “Et tu, brut?”

If you needed to get rid of a pair of long underwear, would you write it a “Dear Johns” letter?

“I'm sorry, we just don't like the Cha Cha Slide.”
“Take it back now, y'all.”

Sliced bread kind of looks like a Riemann sum approximation to the original loaf. As the slices get thinner and thinner, what does it converge to?
Pan integral, of course.

Planting grass on one's head to cure baldness would be an example of a reseeding hairline.

Is the point of a Turkey Trot to strut your stuffing?

If the countries around the Mediterranean Sea had a song contest, would they call it Gyrovision?

“Our startup idea is to use tar to move things up and down. Would you like to hear my elevator pitch?”

Since Cal got under 21 points today, I think we can say they got Carded. Go Stanford!

If they built a radio telescope just outside Chicago, would it be apt to name it Deep Dish?

I don't know what kind of soda to get. Should I take a straw poll?

“As a physicist you should assume the system's in a vacuum… but no pressure. I don't mean to be a drag.”

New HTTP status code suggestion: HTTP 433 No Audio Detected

Area man vows to give fake brain surgeon “a piece of my mind”

If Rama had instead gone into the movies, I guess we'd be saying “শুভ দীপাবলিউড ।”

If a developmental economist were to study Agrabah, would they calculate a Genie coefficient?

Why are Haskell papers always careful about citing their sources?
To maintain referential transparency.

Why do cows get stuck on roofs?
Because their moo is too high.

If you wanted to Photoshop a picture of soup, would it help to start with a stock photo?

“Wow, this hat shop is brimming with sombreros.”

“Do you associate with people from the Department of Defense?”
“Well, let's check the Pentagon equations.”

What's a psychiatrist's favorite breakfast?
Freud eggs.

After advocating heliocentrism, Galileo found himself in a publish-or-parish situation.

What's the Wicked Witch of the West's least favorite genre of music?

Why do they call it thrift store shopping and not Goodwill hunting?

Are the Trainers in the Vermilion City Gym called Surge protectors?

Fixing the rules for suing to allow rehabilitating tortoises with cakes would be tort reform for torte reform for tort reform.

“So it turned out that the thief was actually a snake the whole time.” “Ah, the long con.”

If you're overly worried about producing poor-quality spaghetti code, does that mean you have impasta syndrome?

“I have to make a concession – our rival's stadium has much better food than ours.”

Are Russian swear words considered Volga language?

What do you call a really peaceful slum village?
A shanti-town.

When I told everyone I killed the skillet, they were deadpan.

“I can't believe I forgot to bring my sunglasses!”
“I know, talk about a glaring error.”

If J.S. Bach were learning systems programming, would he have instead written an Err on the C String?

When James Bond's martini habit finally catches up to him, it'll be a liver let die situation.

No matter what you think of statistics, you can't deny it has its moments.

The subtraction project: help make a difference!

When a sushi chef is asked to give a toast, do they deliver an ex-tempura-neous speech?

Is jousting usually done on Fridays? Because that's where weak knights meet weak ends.

“I can't believe I have to put gravy on the mutton again,” Tom Swiftie lambasted.

Q: Why did the founder of the sewing machine company retire early?
A: To quilt while they're ahead.

Forte and piano: the original dynamic duo?

I guess you could say that dim sum restaurants have an à la cart menu.

I went to use the bathroom at a beer garden, but they only had porter potties.

Is the analogue of beer goggles, but for wine, called rosé-colored glasses?

I always wondered why hipsters weren't more interested in wine than beer; after all, isn't everything vintage?

Using the Pythagorean identity to solve math problems is almost a cliché at this point – it's the oldest trig in the book.

What kind of makeup did they use the most on the Star Wars film sets?
A rouge one.

I knew a sommelier who wanted to launch a vintage comedy show called Whose Wine Is It Anyway, the show where everything's made up and the notes don't matter!

If you pick up pizza but they had the order wrong and redo it, would that be a takeout outtake?

“Why do you watch Happy Days so much?”
“Oh, you know, just for Fonzies.”

Did you hear that the camping chair company is folding?

When a homotopy theorist wants to know where to change trains, do they use a transfer map?

The thing about having Easter during Passover week is that Jesus rises several days before His bread does.

These two little boats were sailing down river when a bigger one said, “Mind if I barge in?”

Ignoring the pleas to switch to goat's milk, the farmer remained un-feta-d.

I heard some guys wanted to steal the Garden of Earthly Delights, but they Bosched the whole job.

How is Starcraft like a sonnet?
They both end in GG.

I heard that Narcoleptics Anonymous has been infiltrated by sleeper agents.

Did you hear about the cookbook author who was called out for plagiarizing their sauces?

Someone who subsists only on meditation and vinegar is an acetic ascetic.

What's a whale's favorite city in Texas?

I like playing bridge at auctions, so I can do my bidding while doing my bidding.

Where do fish go to practice singing?
The choral reef.

You know why cooking the books is illegal?
Because it would taste disgusting.

Did you hear about the mad scientist who tried to make a time machine out of a gigantic faucet?
The project started getting delayed, though, because it was a huge time sink.

If they ever make a musical about a coronation, they should call it “Singin' in the reign.”

They say to never meet your gyros – they might make you falafel or be a huge pita!

I heard that businesses in Lower Saxony are making money Hanover fist.

“Why did you decorate your microwave with pictures of space?”
“Because it's a cosmic microwave background!”

After World War I, did the Habsburgs suffer from a receding heir line?

When Kellyanne Conway wants to tell lies, but her email is down, does she send an alternative fax?

If someone were negligent in mismeasuring dessert wine on the left side of a ship, but were sued in a different jurisdiction and had to be transferred, would that cause a port quart port tort court port?

I didn't know what kind of spices to use in my cooking, so I asked a chef for some sage advice.

“Hey, on a scale from one to Z, how free are you tonight?”

Battling a Ditto was a transformative experience.

A modern artist lit a building on fire in a performance piece called An Arson Crafts Project.

The problem with non-Lispy languages is they take defun out of programming.

Did you hear the one about the gymnast who had a blog devoted to drinking glasses?
It was a tumbler's tumbler Tumblr.

What do you call the ducks in Wisconsin?
Green Bay quackers.

I heard that a company in Ohio invented a rejuvenating chapstick whose active ingredient is a bitter tea extract. They're going to call it OH Tannin Balm.

“Just because my name's Dick doesn't mean that I am a dick. You have to stop with these ad homonym attacks!”

“Sometimes, I think that I'm a sandwich.”
“Join the club.”

Once there was a Quidditch match where one team had two extra players, but the Seeker caught the Snitch before the ref could notice and penalize them. The moral is a Snitch in time saves nine.

Do you think the king of the hipsters sits upon the Irony Throne?

Why do compiler writers like Electric-type Pokémon?
Because they're statically typed.

I have a friend who distrusts anybody who doesn't have a toolbox, because they probably have a screw loose.

They didn't tell me which pieces I wasn't playing in, so I had to make a few tacet assumptions.

I ordered a World of Warcraft CD, but when I opened the package, they had sent a towel. I was like, “this is a sham WoW!”

I was thankful the bread arrived at my table, but apparently that made me a persona naan grata.

What's Admiral Ackbar's favorite kind of music?

“You're supposed to play this part differently in Australia?”
“Yes, it's an Aussiea.”

How are baseball games like presidential elections?
You have to get on your base if you want to win.

If there was a documentary about the TSA, would it be selected for a special screening?

What do you call a zombified Mafia boss?
Don of the dead.

A chemist once spilled some P₄,
And then dropped a match on the floor.
It caused such a bang,
That the neighbors all rang,
And asked, “What was all that phosphor?”

I wasn't satisfied with my microphone, so I sent my feedback to the manufacturer to make my voice heard.

Did Fitzgerald name his narrator Nick Carraway to represent his rye sense of humor?

Some shepherds put their flock before anything else, in accordance with the philosophy of ewetilitarianism.

Referring to yourself in third person is all fun and games until someone loses an I.

Do they test new eyeglass designs on focus groups?

Would an Australian tour guide be judged by their koala vacation qualifications?

Is the quantum mechanics of a billiard table governed by a set of cue bits?

What would you call a bakery whose goal is to bake bread as fast as possible?
Knead For Speed.

Two characters try to rescue a third from drowning, but are unsure whether he's drowning or even if he exists in Beckett's Wading for Godot.

What kind of truck is used to move sheep?
An Ewe-haul.

I'm a Pisces, but I always thought my horoscope was a bit fishy.

Police are investigating reports of a serial door thief: witnesses described him as a total knob with an unhinged personality.

Denmark my words, but I don't France-y the UK's odds post-Brexit. I saw the Poland thought it couldn't happen, but the voters are Hungary for change. I think they didn't Lithuania the consequences, Belgium-ped to conclusions and acted like Austria-ches with their heads in the sand — a few Greece-y politicians said they'd Sweden the deal with Czechs to the NHS, but when Cyprus-sed, we saw them Malta-r their promises a Latvia backpedaling. People are angry and shouting Bulgaria-ties at each other, like “I want Estonia to death!” or “Get off my Porch-you-Gaul!”
Will this Ireland well? It's Slovene-dictive; it Netherlands well. Italy interesting to see what happens, though: I would've voted to Romania, but maybe I'll be eating Croat the Finnish of all this.
But that's not German-e to the subject at hand. The UK's going to have a harder time trading (though I don't think it Luxembourg-oed per se): it Spains me to say this, but it'll be a Slovak back to prosperity.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to buy mushrooms, so I mold it over for a while.

Any company that tries to compete with Google Maps ends up getting routed.

When a motorboat sinks, do they hold a wake?

I know someone who says we're all part of the same tapestry of life, woven out of common threads… sounds to me like quilt by association.

Say what you will about the Pokémon theme song, but you can't deny that it's catchy.

Scene from a desserted island: “We'll give you the pirate's pie rate: since you're on sail, we're on sale. Shipping included.”

The fireworks today are gonna be so lit.

Where does a track and field association store its election results?
In a poll vault.

I knew a guy who brought dozens of dates to the same Japanese restaurant. He was a real Udon Juan.

“Why do you complain so much when we cook?” “It's my cooking whine.” “Oh. It's really salty.”

What do you call a dinosaur that's on time to everything?
A prontosaurus.

“I didn't like your puns at first, but now they've groan on me.”

A crew team got in an argument — it was quite a row.

What's San Francisco's most average district?

One lesson I learned from Legend of Zelda was that nobody likes Like Likes like Like Likes like Like Likes.

Were Gregor Mendel's writings on recessive inheritance a poor trait portrait?

“That smear campaign you ran last week is really popular.” “So you're saying my hit piece was a hit piece?”

The soap thieves thought they'd make a clean getaway, but that was a lye — because they were scrubs, they slipped and ended up behind bars.

If David Foster Wallace wrote a cookbook, would it have been called Infinite Zest?

What is a barber's favorite breakfast?
Lox in a bun.

What's a barbers favorite dessert?
A mousse with shaved ice.

“You need to put the covers on these books by tomorrow morning, and that's a binding deadline.”

Often, the shortest distance between two puns is a great rhyme.

I heard they were making processed cheese out of clarified butter and I was like, “ghee whiz!”

I once saw a recipe for Bluffalo wings – it claimed to be extremely spicy, but in the end was totally mild.

People joke that if you put root beer in a square glass, you get beer. But wouldn't it be more accurate to get Absolut?

This is looking at it through a strange lens, but is optometry a contacts sport?

Though mathematicians like to give chalk talks, even the most theory-minded computer scientists prefer slides. Are they trying to avoid erase conditions?

By setting aside empty space in my bookshelf for the future, I reminded myself to get those books I'd been meaning to read. It's like a shelffull-filling prophesy.

I met an auto mechanic who specialized in working on U-Hauls. He said his motto was “Move Fast and Brake Things.”

There's too much written on my chalkboard; it's too disorganized. I should start over with a clean slate.

I went to a furniture store to get advice about a mattress, but it turned out the employees were just armchair experts.

When the donut shop closed down, its owners decided to go out in a glaze of glory.

Whenever I write on lined paper, there are too many rules to follow!

I knew a manager who insisted on using a No. 2 pencil, since it was lead by example.

How does a politician determine what web browser is the fastest?
With a first-past-the-HTTP POST contest.

If you make parboiled rice, but do it badly, do you get subparboiled rice?

¿Cómo se llamaría un Gamestop en el extremo sur de Argentina?
Tierra del Juego.

I heard about a guy who was so addicted to coffee that his family staged an intervention for him. He said it was a real wake-up call!

Once upon a time, deep in the basement of Varian, a physicist split light rays. Reflecting on how easily different colors separated, she published the results in what is now known as the Stanford Prism Experiment.

What's green and carries the cofinite topology?
An affine lime.

I knew this guy who really wanted to sell fireworks, but his first business fizzled out and his second try went up in smoke. On his third attempt, though, his sales started taking off!

I knew a surgeon who had a standup comedy act that kept the audience in stitches.

What is the politest subfield of mathematics?
Deferential geometry.

If celebrated properly, March 14th can be a transcendental experience. Happy π Day!

“Do you like this orange pigment?”
“Not really, it's just medi-ochre.”

“Viscosity alone does not explain the discrepancies in this data… I guess the truth is stranger than friction!”

I knew a drummer who had trouble getting gigs – he wanted to build up his bass, but he kept getting ensnared until he finally got a break.

What do you call late 18th-Century French chocolate?

“Differential topology is a language, and as a language, is best learned through immersion.”

If you opened a fast-food restaurant without a permit, would it be a fry-by-night operation?

“How are your parallel parking skills?”

“Why did you get a tartan? You're not part of that clan, you just know a guy.”
“Ah, you see: it's kilt by association.”

Rejected ideas for diff-top term paper #3:
“Analysis in the Streets, Algebra on the Sheets: Covering Spaces with the Manhattan Metric”

“Where do you even buy cheese curds in this city?”
“I know this out-of-the-whey location that has some.”

My friend was pessimistic about the probability that the birthrate would decrease, so he had low expectations for low expectation of low expectations.

I was going to win the breath-holding competition, but I blew my chances.

What's a linguist's favorite swing song?
In the Mood.

“You have clothes just for caving?”
“Yeah, they're my stalac-tights.”

After a long shift at a sushi restaurant, I bet the chef would feel totally fried and tempuramental, and would want not to be soba.

What powers a plastic houseplant's metabolism?
Fauxtosynthesis (and cellophane respiration).

Everyone advises you to do all the exercises when first learning algebraic geometry, because otherwise you'll just be a Spec-tator.

“Did you do well on your circuits exam?”
“I don't know… it was down to the wire.”

If you wanted to classify varieties of baklava, would you use a filo-genetic tree?

Do salespeople at trombone conventions prepare slide shows?

What did Indiana Jones say when he went on a diet?
“Shakes. Why did it have to be shakes?”

Does anyone know of any good Mareep phone screensavers? I'd like my Android to dream of electric sheep.

Why are representation theorists such good actors? Because they're always in character.

What kind of fish gets really blocky and slow when it's under stress?
The bufferfish.

What did Kurtz say when he went to the bar mitzvah?
“The hora… the hora!”

If you want to speculate on the price of beans, maybe you should go to the stalk market.

Someone asked me what generic Indian bread tastes like, and, well, that's very naan descript.

One of my friends will sing at every possible occasion – almost whenever he can. I guess that makes him a No Holds Bard.

Why do goths make good topologists?
Because they already have a chain complex.

You know what they say about bad puns: to each their groan.

It's games like this Rose Bowl that make me look at college football with rose-colored glasses. Go Stanford!

Recently, a judge ironed out a suit, ad-dress-ing allegations that the defendant stole from a clothing store, pocketed a tux, socked an employee and shoed, and that he wasn't even sari. He pleated that he didn't jacket and would never short them.
After listening to the lawyers' briefs, the judge concluded the evidence was fabricated, saying “cut him some slacks!” Case clothed.

What do bassoonists have in common with disc drives?
Most of their problems come from reed errors.

“Welcome to the six o'clock news! I'm your anchor, Tim Promptu, here to filly you in on the man who injured himself believing he had horses inside him.
…Doctors have confirmed that he's stable.”

What if Instagram called itself Insta-গরম over the summer? (Or Insta-গ্রাম in rural areas)

I bet baseball team managers are known for asking big-pitcher questions, even if they sometimes come out of left field, just to make sure they've covered all the bases.

If Snoop Lion opened a Vietnamese restaurant, he'd call it Pho Sizzle.

Bad Christmas puns just sleigh me.

I think the German dub of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs should be called Döner und Blintz.

I knew these podiatrists who were arch enemies – it all started when, one day, she parked her car in his spot. He told her to shoe, or he would toe, and she would have to foot the bill. She called him pedestrian and said his argument didn't have a leg to stand on. They got in a fight, and he socked her, but she ended up defeeting him by exploiting his Achilles heel. He really should have just walked it off.

What does Santa Claus use to keep his breath fresh?
Christmas orna-mints.

You know that times have changed when you can buy hippie vans at a shoe store.

“¿Te encantan los espaguetis?”
“Eh, son pastante buenos.”

How do you tell a physicist from a mathematician from a computer scientist?
The physicist likes Fig Newtons, the mathematician prefers Trefoils, and the computer scientist eats Chips Ahoy.

I knew a guy who had a shirt with pictures of fruit on it. It was a grape shirt, and I went bananas when he finally told me he got it at American Appearal.

Do you think there's an electrician around here whose slogan is “Keep Austin Wired?”

A tomato and a carrot got into an argument. Later, while the tomato was stewing over it, the carrot said, “rather than simmering about it until you boil over, why don't we go talk to the Justice of the Peas?”

What is a category theorist's favorite kind of government?
A representative democracy, with universal property!

“Welcome to the NSA Bar, where all the beers are tapped!”

On Thanksgiving, millions of turkeys were sent to an early gravy.

I wonder if there's a counterculture comedy club called Schtick It to the Man.

What's the New York Yankees' favorite key?

I'm sorry, Berkeley, did you say you had an axe to grind against us…?
I didn't think so. Go Card!

You know what they say, a good tango is hard to beat!

What’s the best response to a harmonic analysis joke?
“Hardy Haar Haar.”

What do you call the fires that the conquistadors set when they invaded Cuzco?
Incan descent lights.

What do you call a satire that's so unsubtle, it's terrible?
Blunt-farce trauma.

What part of the United States is the best at naming things?
The Appellation Mountains.

I bet foodies have floury praise for their favorite breadmakers.

What kind of mushrooms are best to take on picnics?

How do you determine how far apart two operas are? Take their difference in the opera-tor norm.
How do you determine the best soup? With the soup norm.
What can you use to judge old vinyl records? An LP norm.
How can you compare starfish? With a C* norm.
And what about trucks? Use a semi norm.

Q: Which people are the most influential at a dance?
A: The movers and shakers.

In Exodus, Moses predicts a plague of frogs, and then it actually happens. Does that make him a frognosticator?

Woe betide the man who thinks that if you put detergent in the ocean, you get a tidepool…

Would one say that an arrogant circuit designer has a chip on their shoulder?

A friend of mine paid way too much for decals to decorate her electrical outlets, and I can't help but think she got sticker shock.

What kind of wine will people drink just before the apocalypse?
Vin du monde.

No matter their magnitude, it's not worth getting into arguments about complex numbers.

You know, if Dora the Explorer had gotten in the DeLorean, the movie would've been called Backpack to the Future.

“There was this big horse with full armor and a sword, and she began to chase me! And just before she caught me, I woke up.”
“Wow, sounds like quite a knightmare.”

Where did the two banana farmers settle their quarrel?
In the court of apeels.

What's the right attire for listening to Bavarian music?
Lieder hosen.

What kind of pepper grows natively in Northern California?
The hellapeño.

Are the executives at a bacon company called pigwigs?

C must be the most 'Murican programming language, because it's the land of the free() and the home of the brave.

I wonder if there's ever been a Mexican restaurant called A Lime in the Sand.

I wish there was an online algebraic geometry database out there called AskSheaves.

If a Buddhist kingdom had a succession crisis, would it be called A Game of Koans?

Do you think an encyclopedia of audio engineering would have a lot of volumes?

You know how some people wire their houses so a computer program controls all their lights? I bet the code has a lot of switch statements.

At first, I wasn't sure about the self-assembling bike wheel, but it spoke for itself in the end.

Is reading old CS books is a good way to learn the history of the subject? If so, you have past by reference.

I wonder if poker players consider it bad luck to sit in folding chairs.

How do rabbits cool themselves off?
With hare conditioning.

If pirates fought their duels with tennis rackets instead of swords, would we call them squashbucklers?

I wonder if Hagaromo's executives call themselves a chalk board.

You know when you're walking down the stairs and almost fall but somehow catch yourself? They should call that stairendipity.

I've been trying to cold brew tea, but it has a steep learning curve.

This one time, I went to the hot springs, but they were closed for spring cleaning.

What do you get a hamster whose teeth have fallen out?

Is it accurate to call Hoover Tower Stanford's largest wood building?

“Hey Dracula, what do you think of that nice lady over there?” “B minus. Not my type.”

“Don't ask him about who his real father is. That's a faux pa.”

What happens when you film a bunch of actors waiting in line to play pool?
A cue queue cue.

Do the Parisian restaurants on the banks of the Seine advertise themselves as culinary Seine-sations?

Apparently beard growth is partially genetic. Does that mean people who inherit it are called facial heirs?

If Pinterest got rid of all their wedding stuff, what would they be called?

Since Holden Caulfield spends his time being cynical and complaining, you could call him The Kvetcher in the Rye.

What do you call it when two cuttlefish agree on a contract?
Squid pro quo.

Since compactness isn't invariant under homotopy, is the takeaway that you can't judge a space by its cover?

Do a lot of horror movies start with power outages? If so, maybe one of them should be called the Silence of the Lamps.

I overheard one lawyer say to another, “don't look now, but your briefs are showing.”

What do you call a two-week-long golf tournament?
A fore-tnight!

What are fake parrots made out of?

When scientists cook aloo mutter curry, they make sure to have a statistically significant pea value.
(Sometimes they even do a chai-squared test along with it!)

Do hikers meet each other at trail mixers?

“Why do you like topology so much?”
“My problems may be manifold, but it gives me a sense of closure.”

I heard that Amazon's offering a service that crowdsources teaching how to dance, and they're calling it Mechanical Twerk.

Today I overheard a story about a treasonous chiropractor. It was really confusing – aren't they always supposed to have your back?

So apparently Axess is finally on course… after I graduate. #inAxessible

What if the government kept all of its magnifying glasses in a drawer called the Federal Bureau of Investigation?

Apparently starting your own ice cream business is quite the rocky road.

Do Ecstasy dealers often get rave reviews?

Buying a brand of earbuds because your friends recommended them is an example of heard mentality.

The problem with channel surfing is that you have a remote chance of finding anything good on.

They always told me “nature abhors a vacuum,” but they never said why. Do vacuums get in dust-ups a lot? Do they have dirty secrets? Or is it just that they suck?

When census takers have a party, is there poll dancing?

Do you think restaurants for cows often have mooed lighting?

Although glossed over by historians, the Color War was quite important in European history. At its primary and most violet battle, the Battle of Verdant, the Huegenots and the Kingdom of Orange threw shade against the Red Army. Though it was full of yellow-bellied cowards and green recruits, they blue their chances when their well-red general, sitting back in his tint, told them, “don't shoot teal you see the whites of their eyes!” In the end, too many dyed for his plan to work, and their outlook for the rest of the war dimmed.

If Alice and Bob pretended to be married so he could get on her job's insurance plan, I guess they'd be friends with benefits with benefits.

“I know you're a monk, but you need to stop procrastinating on buying clothes.” “What can I say? Old habits die hard.”

What if there were a brewery called Teapot, which sold short stouts?

If otaku means someone obsessed with anime, then would otaco refer to people obsessed with telenovelas? Like, on the order of going to telecons, and spending time making telegraphs?

I wonder if there's ever been a comedy food show called Cheese and Crackers.

“You're not a phonologist yet, but I hope you can realize your aspirations.”

I heard some economists talking about how much helium prices had increased recently, but it turned out their stories were inflated, and their claims full of hot air.

When the two musicians got an apartment together, they ended up composing a Romance in A Flat.

My friend wondered why he couldn't ride his bike after the back tire popped off. I told him it was the bike's Achilles wheel.

If you resist during meditation, its potential is lowered, so meditation follows Ohm's Law.

How do you efficiently send Frosted Flakes over the Internet?
By cerealizing them.

What kind of music will be played at the Pride Parade this weekend? Pride Rock.

Dear Dairy,
My friend Brie called today. She moved abroad, got a cottage, and is living the Gouda life! She's learning about the local cultures and wheys of life; she's a whiz! She also said I had her Parmesan to visit, and that she gets provolonely, all curdled up in her cottage. But I blue the chance – I told her I wouldn't make the cut, since I don't know jack. It would be nice to get rind-trip tickets and see her, but that's feta. Still, I'd love to visit her in Curdistan.
TL;DR: I milk cheesy humor.

I always hear people wondering what kind of rock music hipsters listen to. Wouldn't they be more likely to listen to lava? You know, back when it was underground, and before it was cool.

Q: How do you bid farewell to an oyster?
A: “Bye, valve!”

Once, I saw a ship decked out with pictures of fruit. At first I thought I'd gone bananas, but then I realized they were just pearasailing.

I knew this guy who compulsively stole seaweed. Turned out he was a kelptomaniac.

I found the fabled San Francisco counterculture – but does it count if it was by spilling yogurt on my kitchen counter?

Sappy life advice from elementary analysis: to be exclusively rational is to be incomplete.

Would eating durian on the Singapore subway be an example of fine dining?

Looks like the weather's the new hot topic of conversation around here.

What does Indiana Jones say when he struggles to take down a tent?
“Stakes. Why did it have to be stakes?”

I bet Marcel Duchamp would be fond of fountain hopping.

“The real President would never slouch like that – this man is an imposture!”

How do you tell two Cheerios apart?
Look at their cereal numbers.

Sometimes I wish I wrote TCP/IP, so I could live a life of SYN.

I knew a guy who was turned into milk! But it's okay, he's all butter now.

Variations on “The Power Rangers:”
If they were easily scared, they'd be called the Cower Rangers.
If they were too serious, they'd be called the Dour Rangers.
If they ran a bakery, its name would be The Flour Rangers.
Representation theorists could call themselves the Brauer Rangers.
If they were kind of mean, they'd be called the Sour Rangers.
If they ran a farm, they'd be called the Plower Rangers.
If they had a crossover with the Animorphs, they'd be the Hour Rangers.
If they put on a Nativity play, it'd be called the Power Mangers.
If they met in a writing class, they'd be called the PWR Rangers.
If their powers included summoning rain, we'd call them the Shower Rangers.
If they sung English folk music, they'd be called the Power Graingers.
If they were a bunch of hippies, they'd call themselves the Flower Rangers.

One term, Two terms, Red term, Blue term: in which Dr. Seuss Goes to Washington.

I wonder if there's a dating app for lumberjacks called Timbr.

A common exercise for beginning Haskell programmers is to write a program to print the 99 Bottles song. Sometimes this is called functional alcoholism.

“Hey, you really need to put some air in your tires. No pressure.”

A mathematician learning French had trouble with irregular verbs – until he realized they fell into distinct conjugacy classes.

What do you call it when hackers try to take down Microsoft's website?
An MS-DoS.

I met a dishonest salesman who was full of hot air… but he preferred to say he had wind in his sales.

Do you think books that parody Greek mythology are called satyrical?

Once, an applied mathematician was bitten by a werewolf and underwent a Furrier transform.

Wow, an actual storm in the Bay Area – and everything gets torn athunder.

Q: What do you call it when the back drum major dies during a performance?
A: A room-temperature semiconductor.

If Romeo and Juliet took place in Imperial Russia, their marriage would probably have been forbidden by the king, so they would have been tsar-crossed lovers.

I bet John Philip Sousa's competitors called him their march nemesis during their march madness.

Would Baroque musicians carry around their music in Bachpacks?

Today, I watched someone hit my friend with a slice of bundt cake, thus committing bundt-force trauma.

“Look guys, I found the desserts we made for Cinco de Mayo last year!”
“Wow, it's the flan before time.”

If you wanted to know whether a cup of tea differed significantly from the standard recipe, would you use a chai-squared test?

Sometimes you meet people who talk about the sinfulness of beards, calling them hair-etical. But I think it's kind of fuzzy logic.

If Stanford's chem department organized a footrace, could they call it Bay to Beakers?

Yo conocía un hombre que era sobreprotectivo de su hija Noya. Si se preguntó por que, el dijo “para Noya.”

If they made a dating app for Mac users seeking Mac users, would it be called Findr?

“Why do you like drawing so much?” “It helps me gain perspective.”

“HTTP 404 is probably the best-known error. Then even have t-shirts for it! Do any of you have a 404 t-shirt?” “I do, but I can't find it!”

Wouldn't it be great if there were a boba shop called the Curse of the Black Pearls?

If the language of snakes had an LL(1) grammar, what would we call it?

I wonder if there's a Japanese-Middle Eastern fusion cuisine restaurant called Misopotamia.

I was watching a TV show where the evil villain released a fleet of hundreds of war planes from his secret base in the cliffs – and then the episode ended, on a cliff hangar.

If there was a feud in a group of lumberjacks, wood they branch off, cut ties, and form a splinter group?

Apparently in some parts of eastern Europe, it's traditional to eat soup on New Year's. So I guess today, on Pohela Boishakh, we should wish them “Shubho nobo borscht!”

Overheard at bid day:
“I'm planning on Russian Kappa Gamma Beta, because in Soviet Russia, you choose your fraternity!“

After Arnold Schoenberg discovered twelve-tone composition, he never went back to anything else. Does that make him a serial monogamist?

In France, they execute code with guillotines!

Do you think domain hosting is a kind of virtual realty?

Next time I go to an optician, I'll make sure to ask for their contact info.

I bet the customs workers at Prague's Václav Havel Airport have to go through a lot of Czech boxes.

I saw a pretty flower today that wasn't there last month… I guess it's an এপ্রিল ফুল |

In Monty Python's Argument Sketch, a man schedules a meeting for an argument, but it was a diss appointment.

“Why does she spend so much time complaining about my tuning?” “It's just her mean temperament.”

The weird thing about desalination is that the problem is also a solution.

What do you call the group of symmetry-preserving transformations of the Middle East?
Lorentz of Arabia!

“Do you think we can travel first class next time?”
“You and your flights of fancy!”

A partnership of elderly, but fashionable lawyers could call themselves the In Firm.

Do you think any hiking trails near Las Vegas are known for their slot canyons?

Have you heard the one about an inept orthodontist who kept a malpractice lawyer on retainer?

If Pixar ever came to a CS career fair, maybe they should have shorts instead of free t-shirts. You know, because of Pixar shorts.

If you've forgotten St. Patrick's Day, you might discover an ability to change clothes in a pinch.

Would wizards in a foreign embassy specialize in diplomancy?

How do statisticians like their pies?
À la mode.

I'm reading a book about a knight who goes through dozens of servants. It's a real page-turner!

A meticulous baker leaves no scone unturned.

“Is there a reason you don't like it when the king leads the march?”
“Well… he's reigning on my parade.”

Have you heard the one about the man who found his calling as a telemarketer?

I wonder if Romantic-era composers wrote a lot of suite nothings.

“Get your chains fixed at the Homology Bike Shop: we do Cycles Without Boundaries!”

A linguist walks into a bar and orders an IPA.

The great thing about a toast to the dead is that you can raise your spirits by raising your spirits by praising your spirits.

Do you think a mystery novel centered around a golf tournament would have a lot of foreshadowing?

Once there were two rival cleaning companies… and they kept getting into dustups.

Recently someone showed me a proof that a baseball diamond is compact. I was initially skeptical, because it came out of left field, but after chasing around some balls (with the help of a pitcher they drew), it turned out they'd covered all the bases.

It's Singles Awareness Day, so that means paying for everything in large piles of one-dollar bills, right?

Confusing vampires and zombies would be a grave mistake.

There's one of my freckles that none of the others trust – they think it's a mole!

I wonder if anyone's made a (k)nightclub called the Round Table.

It's hard to forget the constant of integration once you learn it's an integral part of your final answer.

I've got a few Axess to grind against whoever designed SimpleEnroll. #inAxessible

Some people enjoy both leading and following Lindy hop – could one say that they swing both ways?

After that last interception my hopes for the Super Bowl just… deflated.

“We were totally going to win the fishing competition, but then he dropped the bass!”

When the leader of North Korea dies, does power pass on to the next of Kim?

My mom said she saw the optometrist the other day for her glasses prescription, and I said, “sounds like it's working, then.”

Some people think every coding problem should be solved with OOP, but I think they see the world through rose-colored classes.

Do you know your chiropractor's back story?

Most presidents give State of the Union addresses, but I bet Lincoln gave a few Union of the States addresses.

The issue with dating tennis players is that once they've scored, it's not love anymore.

Apparently you can now watch Skrillex's music videos with Spanish subtitles. But isn't that substep, not dubstep?

“Are you sure we want to board the Titanic?”
“Well, we already have a ticket… it's a sunk cost.”

“I met a guy who said he owned the smallest harp in the world.”
“Sounds like a lyre to me.”

“Don't knock it 'til you try it,” said the inventor of the doorbell.

“How could you not like raisins! That's unraisinable!”

Did you hear about the topologist who remodeled his patio with a deck transformation?

“You have to be patient. He's a few breadsticks short of an Olive Garden.”
“What does that mean?”
“You know, that he's not the sharpest cheddar in the cheese rack.”
“What's that mean?”
“It means he's not the smoothest operator in L².”
“Oh, you mean he's not the brightest light in the darkroom?”
“Yeah, exactly, he's a few tires short of a unicycle.”

How to pick up an algebraic topologist:
“Hey baby, what's your fundamental group? I want to get to know you under the covers.”

Maybe I should make a font with characters traced out by parabolas or hyperbolas, and call it Conic Sans.

It was really cute to watch how the two basketball players courted each other.

In order to be a good calligrapher, one must pay close attention to d-tails.

“I really doubt we'll end up driving off of this cliff of yours.”
“What, are you calling my bluff?”

When Cicero went to a Japanese restaurant, he cried out, “O tempura! O morays!”

Did you hear that they're making tea-flavored baozi? They're going to call them “茶烧包.”

Some people avoid artificial colors in their foods for health reasons. Is this a dyetary preference?

After squeezing down so many small chimneys, do you think Santa could have gotten Claustrophobia?

A physicist suggested the only way Santa could visit so many millions of households in a single night is time travel. But I thought time travel violated Clausality.

I would relish the opportunity to open a hot-dog stand named Frankly Speaking.

I wonder if any company has opened a branch office in a treehouse.

Do you think Baroque musicians had lots of ornaments on their Christmas trees?

An old family of aristocrats began to bottle their own beer, and sold it under the label “Brew Bloods.”

“You think you can get away with ordering another drum set? …let me tell you, there will be repercussions!”

Over the past few years, Greek yogurt has taken over supermarket shelves, elbowing out other dairy products. Is this a kind of cultural imperialism?

One of the disadvantages of buying presents online is that I can't window shop, because I have a Mac.

I guess dog tags are a form of collar ID.

As the Great California Storm winds down, and we weathered it so easily, one wonders if it was a bit overblown.

At first I didn't understand how fog-burning machines worked, but after trying one, it was thoroughly demystified and everything was clear.

Was Google Drive's public beta called Google Test Drive?

Someone who tried to solve a problem by reducing salmon populations in an area might be said to be doing roe reduction.

Almost today's newspaper headline: “Members of Secret Improv Society Caught in the Act!”

“I stopped buying love poems from him when they became more and more per-verse.”

Stravinsky never had to edit his most famous ballet, but if he did, he could have called it The Rewrite of Spring.

I wonder if there has ever been a chiropractor named Lumbar Jack.

¿Si Beethoven fuera cubano, escribiría una opera biográfica que se llama «Fidel y yo»?

If R. Strauss rearranged one of his operas for piano accompaniment, could he call it Der Rosenklavier?

Do people applying to dolphin training school have to write a statement of porpoise?

“Been around the stove, don't speak the language,
But your cooking don't need explaining
All I really need to understand is
When you talk turkey to me,
Talk turkey to me
Talk turkey to me…”

When master carpenters die, do they typically leave behind any unfinished works?

“How is a compact set unlike a book?”
“Is it something to do with how it's bound?”
“No, they're both bounded. The difference is that you can judge a compact set by its cover.”

Did you hear about the crow awareness charity that was really vocal about its caws?

“Dude, you really need to get your bike checked. It's like Brakeing Bad out there.”

Applied computer science: if your hair has too many loose threads, why not use a conditioner variable to make some of them lie down and rest?

Would the Lesbegue measure on a torus be called the Les-bagel measure?

A quintet that wants to share a pie might arrange it into a circle of fifths.

Imagine if Pierre Fermat used Twitter:
“x^n + y^n ≠ z^n for integers x, y, z, n>2. I've discovered a truly marvelous proof of this theorem, which this tweet's too small to contain”

Once, an astronomer looking for double star systems decided to sort the entire sky… and then binary search.

They canvassed the art supply store, hoping to catch the thief red-handed, but drew a blank. They found one sketchy guy, but he brushed them off, saying “I take umber-age; I've been framed!”
In order to gain perspective, they went back to the drawing board.

If a composer wrote an introductory piece summarizing their life work, could it be called an oeuvreture?

My ballot looks a lot like a math textbook: there are a lot of propositions about ideals and measures induced by norms.
But this year, our group's representation was unfaithful, so it's time to do some cancellation of terms.

Grammar is a dangerous subject to argue about; if you're in the wrong mood, it can get tense. These days, if asked about this topic, I usually decline, just in case.

The last time I tried making curry we ended up with spontaneous cumin combustion.

At this point, Axess crashing as enrollment opens is practically a matter of course. #inAxessible

Alpacas and llamas are, like, spitting images of each other!

I knew this guy who opened an origami business… but then it folded.

Would bored musicians in a high school orchestra pass notes to each other?

“Rest in peace,” said Mahler to the basses (and tuba and contrabassoon and…).

A lobotomy might not cause piece of mind, but it will provide pieces of mind.

In times of yore, were ambitious young Russians told to reach for the tsars?

Sometimes I wax nostalgic for when all I had to do was draw with crayons.

Would a minimalist work for a wind ensemble involve Glass blowing?

Perhaps the reason that mailmen can deliver letters so efficiently is because they do a post order traversal.
This would also allow them to outperform traveling salesmen.

There was a heated debate about theft at the restaurant, so I decided not to take sides.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if a pickup artist had literal as well as figurative game?
“Hey girl, are you a deer? 'Cause you got a nice rack, and I want to mount you on my wall!”

How to hide the fact that you're doing real analysis homework on a Saturday night:
“Yeah, dude, I'm going to the Delta Epsilon bash. It's the best party in the neighborhood! They support these kinds of functions every weekend.
…you've never heard of them? But they've got members almost everywhere!”

If you wrote a recursive algorithm for symphony orchestra, would you start with the bass cases?

Looks like Oregon's ducking out of the top of the PAC-12. Bear down, Arizona!

Do you think any mathematician prayed to a higher power when trying to prove Fermat's Last Theorem?

Schrödinger's cat confused me until I tried thinking inside the box.

Do the marks on Appa's head make him arrow dynamic?

Camouflage is weird when you think about it too much; the leopard that is spotted more is spotted less.

Once I dropped twenty cents into my gear mechanism and caused a paradigm shift.

I had a friend who we all called Duct Tape. I don't know who first came up with that nickname, but it stuck!

I wonder if John Green's next book will be a Russian historical novel titled The Fault in Our Tsars.

What be a pirate's favorite letter?
Is it… Arrrrrr?
Or the deep blue C?
Is it I… matey?
No, no, a pirate's favorite letter is P, 'cause if he didn't have it, he'd be… irate.

I wonder if England is going to get off Scot-free in the independence referendum.

Tucson has been under flash flood warnings from a tropical storm these few days, but so far nothing serious has happened… maybe it's all flash and no substance.

A man arrested for running a fruit-smuggling ring insisted in court that the evidence was planted on him.

When a little kid first realizes that Santa doesn't exist, he's a rebel without a Claus.

I wonder if the world's largest nail file is a hardware store.

Groups, like men, are known for their actions.
Fields, like professors, are known for their extensions.
Rings, like revolutionaries, are known for their ideals.
Vector spaces, like societies, are known for their norms.
And categories, like time, are known for their arrows.

“I can't stand that guy! He's nuts!”
“Yeah, well, he'll crack eventually.”

I wonder if there's a biography of Maximilien de Robespierre called “Quit While You're a Head.”

I was talking with someone about how straightforward and unassuming Pride and Prejudice was, which is funny, because I would have expected it to be more Austentatious.

“Well, um, at least I'm at the top of the food cochain.”

In probability, it's the odds, not the ends, that justify the means.

Getting three people out of an apartment and into three places from 6:00 to 9:30 AM, in addition to meeting a couple of insane constraints, is something that can only be described as a moving experience.

Are Afghani streets paved with Kabul stones?

“He stabbed you with his sword four times! How did you survive?”
“Well it turns out he never actually hit an artery… so it was all in vein.”

A dramatic love triangle set against a war, a story that begins in media res, a city of traitors, and fond memories of loving Paris… Casablanca or the Iliad?

I once heard about these two corporate spies trying to get some Intel on another company's hard disks.

…the Stanford Department of English could change its motto to “All Write Now.”

“We need that hotel reservation ASAP! So book it!”

“I'm not much about fashion, but I'm pretty sure you could pull off a trench coat if you wanted to.”
“Maybe, but you know what I wouldn't be able to pull off? A straightjacket!”

“Look, I just can't see why I should learn to barbecue.”
“I don't know why you're grilling me  —  I don't have a steak in the matter. But I can tell you that the fastest way to a man's heart is through his spare ribs.”

I guess mathematicians and electrical engineers don't see j-to-i when it comes to naming things…

It is said that the genesis of revolution lies in pubs and taverns of a disaffected nation. Does that mean those are good places to make bar plots?

“Let's make like a tree and leaf.”
“Let's make like a banana and split.”
“Let's make like a vine and run.”
“Let's make like an omelet and exit.”
“Let's make like candy and desert.”
“Let's make like a pod and peace out.”
“Let's make like broccoli and floret.”

Our new tortilla recipe is going to revolutionize the industry, but it's a secret, so keep it under wraps!

“Shaving my head was definitely a hair-razing experience.”

Wow, Axess is not very classy right now. #inAxessible

“While I was stopped during 'rush' hour yesterday I began thinking about getting my saxophone out of the trunk and warming up. Why not? We're not going anywhere. And then maybe the guy in the Toyota next lane over has a guitar, and there would be a drumset in the truck behind him… we could have a real traffic jam.”

How do you think American presidents came to terms with the 22nd Amendment?

Why should we teach revolutionaries trigonometry? Well, if we don't…
1. They won't know how to make protest sines,
2. They'll join some mystical sec that says they're full of sin,
3. Their revolutionary speeches will go on longwinded tangents,
4. And finally, they'll get cot by the government.
5. In short, they'll be rebels without a cos.

What do large fish markets, music stores, and climbing gyms have in common?
They're all trying to take advantage of economies of scale.

Before they analyzed falconry scientifically, do you think they used ad hawk approaches to it?

“Shoot, I forgot to charge my electric guitar. What do we do now?”
“Quick, play some power chords!”

I once met a rock climber at a symphony concert. I had no idea what to talk to him about… so I asked him what his favorite major scales were.

Every so often there are couples who first meet at weightlifting competitions. Would it be accurate to call them swole mates?

In the Beauty and the Beast, could one say that the Beast is saved by the Belle?

Overseas shipping is a great example of a pier-to-pier communication network.

Often when people order t-shirts for an event. they get equal numbers of each shirt size. But this assumes that people's clothing sizes are… uniformly distributed.

I heard a story about a guy who took LSD and listened to dubstep… and then nothing happened. If you drop acid and then drop the bass, they would cancel out, right?

Did you know about the first potato that the Soviets launched into space? It was called Spudnik.

There has to be a good word for the process of wading through bibliographies, looking for more to read on a subject.
Cite-seeing? Sourcery? Reference counting?

“I'm gonna write a jazz song called The Ice Cream Shop… it'll have a lot of sweet licks.”

“Our baseball team's new strategy is really comprehensive; we've covered all the bases.”

I had always wondered why the SF Pride Parade was held during the summer… until I realized that pride comes before the fall.

Some people apren't good enough to be Marines. Are they called… submarines?

Overheard today: “no, I'm not a math major; I don't have anything to prove!”

Representation theory is like a George R.R. Martin novel. There are lots and lots of characters; most of them are complex, and many of them are unfaithful. But everything gets a lot tensor: there are a lot of duals, and some of the characters end up decomposing!

Why do you think Stravinsky used so many different time signatures in The Rite of Spring? Could it be that he was raising the bar, or to see how he measured up against other composers? I think it's pretty hard to beat.

“Why are you skirting around this issue? It's time to ad-dress it fully, to stop being so clothes-minded!”

There was once a digital camera company that had a big tiff over what image file format they should use, and a lot of people were left with raw feelings.

Nepotism could be considered a form of relative morality.

Wow, I guess nobody expects the Dutch inquisition…

I knew someone who adopted an unorthodox wheat-free diet; it really went against the grain.

“Everything was so much better back when I still did ballet!”
“That may be, but I think you're missing the pointe.”

Opticians never have trouble focusing. Chemists know how to concentrate. But this mathematician just can't seem to apply himself and study for finals…

Apparently Lesbegue's convergence theorems have the awkward implication that if you want to take it to the limit, it helps greatly to have someone dominate you…

If Chopin traveled to Italy, would he have written a Spaghetti Polonaise?

What's Don Knuth's favorite kind of music? TeXno.

.- - / ..-. .. .-. ... - / .. / -.. .. -.. -. - / ..- -. -.. . .-. ... - .- -. -.. / ---- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . / -... ..- - / - .... . -. / .. / -... . --. .- -. / -.-. --- -. -. . -.-. - .. -. --. / - .... . / -.. --- - ... / ... - --- .--.

If Shakespeare had lived in San Francisco, maybe Juliet would've said instead that “parking is such sweet sorrow.”

I wonder if Brahms made a lot of romantic overtures to Clara Schumann.

“Have you noticed that your voice gets almost an octave higher when you're trying to get my to buy something?”
“Of course; it's my sales pitch.”

I knew a Spanish programmer who always did auxiliary work in the early afternoon: lots of meetings, but never coding. He explained it was his CS-ta.

I want to catch an Onix and name it Monad: “Monad used Bind! … Monad used Return!”

I knew someone who spent more time on warmups than actual exercise. He claimed it was good for one's health, but I think he's stretching the truth.

“I really don't understand why you bother to sharpen your knives.”
“I'm going to be blunt here: you're missing the point.”

I knew someone who wasted an entire day trying to take pictures from a particular viewpoint. He said that, in hindsight, it was quite a timelapse of judgement.

Dress codes at high schools across the country have been getting more and more similar  —  is this an example of uniform convergence?

I went to a talk given by Don Knuth! He used an overhead projector to give the talk, presumably to make his thought process more transparent.

Do you think Pavarotti was ever stalked by the operazzi?

I drew a map of the climbing wall. It's to scale!

I thought it was pretty entertainingly appropriate that they served mango at the Super Smash Bros. party.

What did the real line say to the non-normed vector space?
“Hey, check out my abs!”

The website for the most recent Spiderman movie is rather well-designed; I guess they had a particularly good web master.

“I really need to vacuum. This leaf on the floor has been bothering me!”
“You really ought to leaf and let leaf.”

“You've been accused of being a battery thief. How do you plead?”
“Guilty as charged, your honor.”

“Why do your promotional materials get updated so many times each week?”
“How else could I call it a frequent flyer?”

“I heard it's pretty stressful working on the antigravity team. They don't take failure lightly over there.”

That I got to watch the moon turn red early this morning totally eclipses the fact that I'm somewhat brain-dead today…

A forthcoming review claims that Shakespeare is one of the English language's most verse-atile poets.

I wonder if concerts given by The Who often have smashing finales.

“Welcome to the Space Bar! Can I start a tab for you?”

They said the scientist working to cure blindness was a real visionary.

What if the Earth was invaded by a society of extraterrestrial soda cans saying, “Take me to your liter!”?

“…that cloud looks like the king!”
“Long may it rain.”

“Why do the Haskell people have so many masquerade balls?”
“I think it's because they really love anonymous functions.”

If Nintendo made a basketball-themed Pokémon game, do you think it would have an Elite Eight instead of an Elite Four?

What's a pirate's favorite programming language?
You'd think it'd be R, but C's always got a place in their hearts.

“Aren't boats expensive?”
“Yes, but I got this one on sail.”

I once knew some graffiti artists who took up benchmarking to increase their efficiency.

I bet the programmers behind the Legend of Zelda series ended up making a lot of symbolic Links.

I didn't win the astrophotography competition… but there was a nice constellation prize.

Did you hear the one about the necrophiliac who was scared stiff of ghosts?

I know someone who was always ambivalent about learning to dance… but once she stopped dragging her feet, she found out she enjoyed it after all.

I was once on a subway train whose last stop was at that city's airport, making it a terminal station.

I'm probably taking a course on Haskell next quarter. I was worried about whether I would get a bad grade… until I realized the class is probably lazily evaluated.

I once met an organist who wanted to build an organ whose tuning was based on fundamental ratios of the circle. He pulled out all of the stops to make it happen, but in the end it was only a π-pe dream.

Whenever computer scientists play in the orchestra, they always keep asking the conductor whether p = mp.

I once heard of this weird ancient instrument that you play with your feet. It eventually fell out of popularity, making it a historical footnote.

They once caught an employee of Martinelli's using company secrets to speculate on apple cider futures. He was arrested, of course, for in cider trading.

I used to wonder why anyone would ever wake up to watch the sun rise… but then it dawned on me!

Douglas Hofstadter once gave a talk about linguistic categories, with the idea that linguistic units give us categories of situations/contexts to which they apply.
So at some point, Hofstadter must have come up with this concept and realized that it was important for him to share it with the world. This was his categorical imperative.

Has MacGyver ever used a hot glue gun to get himself out of a sticky situation? If so, I suppose he really stuck to his guns.

“Why do you never do your Christmas shopping ahead of time? It's annoying having to go out the night before!”
“You see, I like to live in the present.”

I went running with some CS theorists the other day. They told me they ran quickly, but it turned out I was able to keep up  —  they just meant they had polynomial run time.

Every time I try to trade for sheep in Settlers of Catan, I end up getting fleeced.

This whole Twitch Plays Pokémon thing has gotten so crazily popular  —  but I was following the Helix Fossil back when it was still underground.

So this one time in Warsaw a poor, mentally ill bureaucrat had to inspect every telephone pole in the city to determine whether the homegrown or imported ones needed a new waterproof coating.
In other words, there was a bipolar Pole polling poles to determine whether to polish the Polish poles.

What a strange day it is today; for on Christmas day you get Christmas cards, and on your birthday you get birthday cards. But on V-day you certainly don't get a v-card…

In “Flatland,” whenever Mr Square tried to explain the third dimension to anyone, they angrily denied that it could exist. I guess one could say they got bent out of shape?

“We had intended to write a program to recognize and translate cursive handwriting, but then things weren't going according to script.”

Does the International Journal of Podiatry publish articles with a lot of footnotes? And do journals of economics tend to prefer margin notes?

Stanford can't even handle the Axessive course load on its Axess enrollment servers right now.

“I'm really tired. Is it OK if I take a quick nap in your chair?”
“Go ahead, knock yourself out!”

Recently, I put some bubble wrap on the wall outside my room for people to pop. People have begun added to the collection, so that people can always pop it when they're stressed.
Yesterday, a big sheet of really good bubble wrap just… appeared. Does anyone know who put it there so I can thank them?
It's been a long time since I've felt this pop-ular.

When I, long ago, learned that the Nutcracker suite was written to be danced to, I said, “Aha! That is why there are so many movements.”

“I have a friend who chases diagrams in much the same way that he chases women: by figuring out how they commute, and then carefully following them down every possible path.”

“I'm addicted to sending letters through the mail. It started out as a regular expression of my appreciation of my friends, but it's reached a state where the mailman is rejecting my letters until I finally decide to halt and function more normally.
“In short, I recognize that I have a post correspondence problem, and it's time for me to accept that.”

If you wanted to determine how hot the average Berkeley student was, would you use a Cal-orimeter?

“Do you know why all the faucets in the music building bathrooms are so oddly spaced?”
“I think it's because they're sink-opated.”

Have you heard the one about the gold-digging pedophile who was always attracted to miners?

Has there ever been a bakery in Salinas Valley called Yeast of Eden?

“Is that a date palm, or are those just fronds?”

If a bunch of male authors banded together and bought a boat, could one call it a penmanship?

¿Si yo lucho con mi trabajo, soy tareador?

Corporate executives are like wizards: if you have a good enough staff, it's OK if you don't know how to spell.

Would a particularly innovative way of beginning construction of a building be considered groundbreaking?

So this one time I tried my hand at web design and HTML, but I ended up being really out of my element.

I once heard of some spies who used a code language that didn't distinguish between active and passive voice. I guess that's why they called themselves secret agents.

I once heard of two prolific criminals who somehow never said anything during a heist. Even when caught by the police, they confessed with hand gestures and facial expressions.
Anyways, I guess they're locked in a very real box now, but before that they were partners in mime.

I recently got a phone charger that came with several twist-ties to help organize the mess of cables around my power outlet. I thought it was awfully cordial of them to help battle the discord that usually goes on there.

“So you, um, go rock climbing as a way of meeting women? That's pretty unusual. How often do you end up getting belayed?”

“That song, much like a salad, could really benefit by throwing in some beats.”

Today I saw two people who had started a chess game, made six or seven moves each, and then got distracted by their phones. It was a classic example of arrested development.

Would a philosophical treatise on looking at ships be considered naval-gazing?

I've always had a hard time drawing fish accurately, perhaps because I have no sense of scale.

“Do you know why the third floor of this building's so much larger than the second?”
“Um, that's kind of a long story.”

“Look, I appreciate you baking the bread instead of me for once, but how incompetent do you have to be to get the crust on the inside!?”
“Don't you see? it's a roll reversal!”

In The Wizard of Oz, the coroner of Munchkin Land is seen examining the Wicked Witch of the East, but never bills anyone for his time, which is weird because I guess it's his job. Do you think that, this time only, it was on the house?

Backpacking isn't a competitive sport; it's just relaxing and fun. It would be so weird to see televised college backpacking competitions, with announcers reporting the latest Pack-12 results…

“So you're saying… we have the same shoe size, and we both really like the taste of flatfish. Does that make us sole mates?”

I feel like there's a lot more gossip about romance and potential couples around the holidays. Do you think people are making use of free shipping?

“He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake…”
“Oh my gosh, Santa's… stocking me!”

“Look, we don't need to divide up Grandfather's pet rabbits in the will. You're splitting hares!”

I guess journalists tend to have pressing concerns.

I wonder how much hip-hop is produced in Budapest. It could be a great Hungarian rap city.

It could be a lot of fun to doodle on the backs of playing cards. Though I guess they're not well suited to being decked out.

I once knew someone who always gave people alarm clocks on their birthdays, explaining that “there's no present like the time.”

If a traveler has to change planes in Kuala Lampur, would that be considered a Malayover?

“Ew, why are you still using Helvetica? Get with the Times, man!”

To all those of you with open-book CS finals this week, I hope that you pass by reference!

Apparently, I have a vested interest in investing in some kinds of formal outerwear.

I suppose that rock-climbing courses taught at universities are a form of higher education.

I now understand why people like murder-mystery themed dinners so much. The food is to die for, and in the end everyone gets their just desserts!

“Why do you always use such flavorful language in your speech?”
“Because of how often I end up eating my own words.”

A bipartisan bill legalizing medical marijuana for use in alleviating symptoms of arthritis would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

Thanksgiving is the one day of the year during which it is socially acceptable to tell one's relatives to get stuffed.

I really like making physics jokes, but sometimes they come out sounding forced.

Do emotional guitar players go through a period of Strum und Drang?

If I have a binary tree, is it necessarily true that its bark is worse than its bytes?

What do you call Tucson's golf courses during the summer?
Hot links.

What does Karel have in common with Stanford's political thoughts?
They only go to the left.

I'll never draw conclusions as well as a storyboard writer.

I know one composer who rearranges entire symphonies to give more melodies to the low strings and winds. When asked why he does it, he claimed “I'm evening out the scores.”

I was really impressed by the tent maker's sales pitch.

As hard times hit the jelly factory, executives found themselves in a jam, and ended up canning a lot of workers, who would later describe the experience as “jarring.”

I hope that the next Mario Kart game has a course that's a scaled-down map of the Earth. Then, there would be continental drift.

It's fun to imagine headlines of the future.
“Droid rage: robot goes berserk after power goes to its head. Charged with battery.”

I once knew of an optician who ran away and joined the circus. Apparently his act was quite the spectacle.

I'm in the dark as to why our lights aren't working right now.

If Maxwell's demon ever failed to do its job, then hell would freeze over!

This one time I borrowed a friend's teapot and somehow broke it and flooded the room. I was really in hot water over that one.

Do you think a class on the linguistics of swearing would have a coarse reader?
(Or would it be a curse reader?)

I bet the craps table is a gambler's pair-a dice.

A photographer whose darkroom is too bright might end up with a lot of negative publicity.

“Hey, did you know the automatic faucet isn't working?”
“I've got a sinking feeling about this.”

I wonder if anyone's ever applied machine learning to discovering the optimal competitive Pokémon strategy. There would of course be no shortage of training data.

Police were puzzled by a string of break-ins in which two shadowy figures broke into houses, wrote sonnets on the walls, and then left… taking nothing.
After they were caught, they explained that they were partners in rhyme.

If there were a snack bar in the basement of the computer science building, would it be called Snack Overflow?

Working on the CS 229 problem set: “Bad things happen when you lose track of μ. Wasn't that, like, the entire point of Pokémon Red and Blue?”

A teacher who wanted to assign grades fairly in a multivariable calculus class might end up doing some impartial differentiation.

I know a group of people who tried to teach themselves how to dye hair without any previous experience. It ended up being the blond leading the blond.

I used to think that the Bengali word for color was 'barna,' but it turned out to be wrong.

I wonder if a lot of Stanford graduates end up working at Apple, under the logic that the Apple doesn't fall far from the Tree.

I wonder if the executive board of any major bank operates under a system of checks and balances.

“So this one time, my Scout troop was going camping in the desert and a kid somehow accidentally kicked a cholla cactus!”
“I take it he was a Tenderfoot?”

I had noticed that the math department tends to order Chinese food at a lot of its events (e.g. speaker series), and I never really knew why  —  until I learned about the Chinese Remainder Theorem.

I once golfed with a man who brought a flask full of something fruity, and opened and drank it all before teeing off at the third hole.
He explained that it was his “three-hole punch.”

Why do Linux programmers make such bad statisticians?
Because to them, there is no one normal distribution.

I love Vietnamese food, but I know nothing about the associated dining etiquette  —  which means it's only a matter of time until I slip up and make a major pho pas.

Some people think that men's fashion ought to allow for handbags, and that otherwise it's too impurseonal.

If I had a parrot that could speak several different languages, I would name it Polly Glot.

The best part about gay weddings is that the wedding party is so well-groomed.

“So, I guess you could sample ice cream at stores across the nation and see if the algorithm could learn regional variations.”
“Man, I would have so much fun collecting that training data.”
“Oh, and you can call the paper ‘Blizzard Prediction Across the Midwest.' ”

“It really grinds my gears that you keep forgetting to oil your bike chain.”

Cryptography is discreet mathematics.

I wonder at what point in social dance one learns to make salsa dips. Particularly the spicy ones.

“You chose an unusual kind of bread to make PB&J with…”
“Call me a … naanconformist.”

If you take heavy water and put it in the microwave, do you get hot 'n' heavy water?

If there's ever a severe energy crisis in the future, some households might hoard sources of energy and pass them from generation to generation. Such treasures would of course be known as the Family Joules.

“…so thankfully, after the tune-up, it was no longer flat.”
“I'm confused. Are you talking about your bike or your instrument?”

While it's not quite the Axess of Evil, I think the redesign is a bit Axessive for not actually changing anything meaningful.

From the first day of filming, when three people turned up to play the weatherman, it was clear that his part had been overcast.

Apparently I view the Stanford course catalog through a Marxist lens, because it's class conflicts as far as I can see.

Under the standard rules of the board game Go, how many possible games are there? I think it would be reasonable to call this (very large) number the Go Cardinal.

I knew a guy who was very good at competitive sushi-eating; he won contest after contest. I guess he was really on a roll. He told me that he was so successful because he had learned to just roll with it.

Little boats ask their parents, “do you believe in ferries?”

If someone had a great wedding, would they say that it went off with a hitch?

I wonder if someone's ever considered making a startup exclusively for sharing pictures of snack foods. I guess you would call it… SnapChaat.

Buying furniture is the best way to go on a great personal journey: in one afternoon you can undergo shelf-discovery followed by shelf-doubt followed by shelf-acceptance, and finally shelf-improvement leading to shelf-actualization.

I once knew a philosopher who liked to get drunk all the time. I asked him about it and he explained that he was conducting gedrankenexperiments.

I bet every sufficiently large collection of music jokes contains at least a few dim innuendos.

In The Frog Prince, is it correct to say that the princess went out with a ব্যাঙ?

And on this day in history P(America ∩ England) = P(America) P(England). Happy Independence Day, all!

Two weeks of touring with the Stanford Symphony Orchestra has been an incredible amount of fun, but I'm so tired I think I might fall into a state of tour-por.

I know someone whose textbooks suddenly all fell apart while he was studying. He suddenly found himself in a bit of a bind  —  but concluded it was bound to happen eventually.

I once heard of a monk who was expelled from a monastery after the other monks made a laundry list of all of his bad habits.

“Why did you mark points off of my essay for the type of margin I used? It's completely unjustified!”

There are some door locks which are extremely narrow, apparently as security measure so that lockpickers only find slim pickings.

I bet the popular music scene in the Czech Republic has a lot of Prague Rock.

I wonder if there's a brand of Russian candy called Tsarburst.

“I can't believe the pizza order hasn't come yet! It's been 45 minutes!”
“Yeah, you should call them and give them a pizza your mind.”

I know a man who claimed to be an expert at making omelets. When we discovered he was lying, he really had egg on his face.

It would be interesting to have a Unix shell called Blue Shell, in which multithreading is difficult to implement. Then, it would create race conditions, of course.

It seems that the best way to implement a just-in-time compiler is to procrastinate on the CS 143 assignments until shortly before they are due…

An apprentice to a very overweight baker might end up seeing him as a roll model.

If a marching band is playing in a parade, it might be useful to know how long the parade block is, for purposes of timing and the like. I don't know if anyone's given this number a name, but I suggest calling it the bandwidth.

The last time I played chess, I lost both of my bishops quickly, leading to defeat. I guess you would call that a clerical error?

People who lockpick tend to be very quiet about it… so quiet, in fact, that when they're picking you can hear a pin drop.

I had wondered why Bill seemed to be the only computer programmer in the entire Pokémon world… until I realized the rest of them are probably registered as Bug Catchers.

“I am become Deaf, the destroyer of words.”

“What do you mean, 'No shirt, no shoes, no service?' I thought this was a free country!”
“Well, you see.. the Constitution guarantees the right to bear arms, but not to bare feet.”

Why didn't Alban Berg write a piece called the Goldbach variations?

“So how would you determine whether the set S is an open domain?”
“Easy; do a DNS lookup.”

In particle physics, people refer to antiprotons, but can't you get the same semantic idea by calling it a conton?

I'm glad I don't have to commute on a turnpike. Over time, such a journey would really take its toll on me.

I don't know very much about how rubber bands are classified, but it would be really cool if they referred to the different sizes as rubber bandwidths.

A useful criterion for judging the quality of silverware is its utensile strength.

It would be awesome if there were a field-theoretic structure called the Galois dual.

I wonder what happens to boat-makers who fail their classes; are their watercraft deemed to not be C-worthy?

I knew a guy who constantly booked and then dropped appointments, hotel stays, and so on. Evidently he had reservations about reservations.

“Are you sure he's able to eat leavened bread? It's Passover week!”
“Don't worry. I'm sure he'll rise to the occasion.”

I wonder if there was ever a woodwind quintet devoted exclusively or primarily to performing the works of Giuseppe Cambini. I suppose they would be called the Cambini Babies.

I wonder if composers' magazines have a special writing staff.

If one wants to get a job as a professor of computer science, it helps to do a lot of networking in grad school.

The phrase “groups of small order” is kind of a mouthful if you're doing a lot of algebra. Maybe it would be easier to just call them chamber groups.

“I haven't gotten any of your jokes recently.”
“Oh; have I been sending them to the wrong address?”

Pi day is basically a religious holiday for any pious mathematician.

“He has a psychiatric disorder in which he sometimes slips into thinking he's the main character in a sitcom… he's currently having an episode.”

I was talking to Emmerich about how apparently a lot of the geology professors here are extremely eccentric. It's odd; I would have guessed they would be more down-to-earth.

“Your e-reader has such a tacky case… it just looks disgusting!”
“Did you just judge a Nook by its cover?”

What do cryptographic hash functions have in common with cars? In order to have perfect security, they need to be collision-resistant!

I've thought of a new half-baked business idea. How about a brand of snack crackers called Wisecrackers, that have funny or witty sayings on them?

“Baby, I wish I were Galois over you, so I could lie on top of you in a field!”

Why do we fight fire with fire?
Because one good burn deserves another.

Movie crossover idea: Legally Bond.
A legal student attempts to prove the innocence of her friend in a high-profile murder case… but little does she know that the friend is actually a British secret agent who is quite guilty of the murder!

If someone were battered to death with fruit, he could be considered beaten to a pulp.

“Gandalf, there's something weird growing out of the top of your staff. Do you know what it is?”
“I'm guessing it's a staff infection.”

I think I'm running out of detergent  —  but what I have left should tide me over for another few weeks.

A mad scientist who creates an earthquake machine probably doesn't understand the magnitude of the consequences.

Apparently, the polymer that would become Saran Wrap was discovered completely by accident. I guess that's an example of sarandipity.

The phrase “a solution with radicals” makes sense in mathematics, chemistry, political science, and the Chinese language.

Would a couple that is trying to have children end up calculating a conditional expectation?

Do hipster atoms form ironic bonds?

I was never very good at tuning, but I got an A for effort.

By splitting The Hobbit into a trilogy, Peter Jackson tokenized it but definitely did not Tolkienize it.

“It's not that I like writing poetry, but I'm certainly not averse to the idea.”

Is the opposite of a smooth manifold a crunchy manifold?

If the Gunpowder Plot had taken place in France and had been more successful, one of their kings would have gone kabLouis.

Would someone who is unnecessarily obsessed with GNU Make be called a Makephile?

I wonder if there's a way to define a ring structure on some set of polyhedra… if you did so, could it have Platonic ideals?

“You know, I never really used to understand topology, but now I think I'm starting to get a handle on it!”

Our physics final asserted that when building a reflecting telescope, the focal point of the lens and the focal point of the mirror should coincide. Unfortunately, if you do that, the image is at infinity, which is bad.
Thus, I declare the final to be astronomically incorrect.

If a programmer wanted to become a pop star, would he have to write a rapper function around himself?

Looks like Stanford Football really rose to the occasion this evening!

Perhaps humanity would be more functional if we weren't so object-oriented.

Would a function between cars be considered an auto morphism?

If someone's philosophy advocated that the best course of action was the most pointless one, would he be called a futilitarian?

I want to tape a sign to the door of the English department's building that says “Pardon our mess; we're currently undergoing deconstruction.”

If someone arranged Polish dances for chickens, would they be called Pollonaises?

The issue with graph algorithms is that they tend to have so many edge cases…

It seems reasonable to assume that the Hoenn government has not just a Department of Defense, but also a Department of Special Defense.

If you chopped up a binary tree, would you obtain binary logs?

“I don't understand my printer! Some days it works perfectly, printing out hundreds of pages with no complaints whatsoever. But today, when I need just a three-page report, it keeps jamming and then runs out of ink!?”
“…did you accidentally set the personality option to two-sided?”

Apparently I should start a band called the Arun Five…

“This entire proof fails, however, if you assume that the function f is one-to-one and not onto, in which case f is called a lethal injection.”

If you attacked someone by hitting him with a flower, would he be considered pistil-whipped?

“Everything is going according to plan. The lights are dimming, the audience is shuffling back into its seats, the orchestra is tuning…”
“Yes, Maestro. Intermission accomplished.”

“I don't know, Signor Medici  —  I keep asking Michelangelo when and where he plans on installing the fresco, but every time he just friezes up.”

Given the sheer amount of notes and problem sets and random other things I'm going to have to type up this quarter, I feel less like a techie than a TeXie…

As the supervillain unveiled his detergent-driven doomsday device, he crowed to his minions, “The Tide has turned.”

I don't understand why the Department of the Interior's offices need to post hours. After all, mathematically speaking, aren't they always open?

The determinant can be thought of as a function from the space of n x n matrices to the reals, in which case its support is just the general linear group GL(n).
So I guess that makes GL(n) a support group.

If a Sonic game suffered from memory errors, would it be said to have Segafaulted?

Sometimes the way I play Marth, his sword has not a point, but rather a counterpoint.

“How well do you think you did in the symphony-writing competition?”
“I don't know; the scores aren't out yet.”

It would be a lot of fun to open a pretzel shop which specialized in odd yet delicious seasonings and flavorings. Its slogan could be “Pretzels  —  with a twist!”

After the events of Pokémon Red and Blue, it's safe to say that the research done at Silph Co. isn't Rocket science.

I really don't know why Facebook implemented Timeline… maybe they saw the writing on the Wall?

Dodecaphony? More like dodecacophony!

After an evening of Super Smash Bros., I conclude that glitches be crazy.

With their spiffy new gauntlets and black jackets, it is evident that the Foothills band experienced a uniform discontinuity.

I saw a car without a rear fender today. I think its owner had left it to fend for itself.

Do noninvertible matrices suffer from identity crises?

I challenged the Pewter City Gym with an Electric-only team… suffice to say it was an Electabuzzkill.

Upon which Neo discovers he is isomorphic to a linear operator:
“… I am one-to-one with the matrix!”

I wonder how much category theory Alex Trebek had to study to emcee Jeopardy.

How do headphones reproduce?
By budding!

“We'll use all natural units aboard this ship, or else you'll walk the Planck!”

I wonder what sorts of ethnic neighborhoods exist in Indian cities. In particular, does there exist a Jewish Delhi?

A lot of people disagree with the very principal of high interest rates.

I wonder if any mathematical society has ever considered lobbying Congress. Because if so, their interest group would have a faithful representation!

“I'm good at planning, but not so much at the execution side of things.”
“So you're saying you would make a bad assassin.”

As the NRA member was escorted out of a reception for a foreign ambassador, he complained that “it's perfectly reasonable for conservative forces to be associated with state functions!”

I wonder if any research conference in Arizona has begun its call for papers with, “Your papers, please…”

If the Supreme Court ever ruled on the path of succession to the White House, it would be precedent-setting for precedence-setting for president-setting.

We should write Pachelbel fanfiction; it would extend Pachelbel's canon!

I overheard Java complaining that “They don't see it  —  I'm a real language, with thoughts and feelings. But all they do is… objectify me!”

I wonder how fast the emotions in a piece of music change. Specifically, it might even be possible to do it twice in a measure, so that it sounds upbeat on the downbeat and downbeat on the upbeat.

I am completely unsurprised that Henri Lebesgue did some of his best work during World War I, since desperate times make for desperate measures.

This is a chop-stickup! Hand over all of your silverware!

When Scar killed Mufasa in The Lion King, he missed a wonderful opportunity to say to him, “Pride comes before a fall.”

“Wait… why aren't there any forks? What is this?”
“It looks like there was a forklift.”

Korean Fan Death is the term for a false belief held by some Korean households that leaving a fan running in a closed room can be fatal.
I think this is an excellent example of a fanfic.

I wonder if any card games allow one to both draw from and discard to the top of the same pile.
I believe this would be known as “Stacking the Deck.”

“Is the moon half full today?”
“Only if you're an optimist.”

Sometimes if you hang out with enough CS majors, you will start hearing enough CS jokes to begin actually understanding concepts and eventually making jokes on your own.
This is known as “passing by reference.”

What do you call a priest who uses slapstick humor to spread the word of God?
Charlie Chaplain!

Why did Elgar reorchestrate Bach's Fantasia and Fugue in C minor?
Because if it ain't Baroque, don't fix it!

Mahler? I 'ardly know 'er!

Someday I want to visit an Indian restaurant called Dosa Your Own Medicine.

“What is this strange gadget, Q?”
“It's a backslash, Mr. Bond. If you're caught in a dangerous action scene, it will allow you to make an escape sequence.”

Using an incorrect meter in a poem is not just wrong, it's unsonnetary.

Metric tensor (n): when a significant and dramatic plot development occurs in a poem.

An orchestra with weak winds doesn't have a very high clari-net worth.

“You need to do something more interesting with this long note than just holding it out for eight beats.”
“In that case, I request a license to trill.”

Poke wars seem rather pointless to me. Arguments start, and then people just end up pointing fingers at each other instead of fingering the real culprit.

Do sailors tell ferry tales to their children?

Hey I just met you
As we chased a white whale
But here's the Pequod
So call me Ishmael.

Certain kinds of dubstep wub me the wrong way.

When Schrodinger's thought experiment became widely known, was it said that the cat was out of the box?

Someone who attempted to install Microsoft Office on a Linux distribution would be at a loss for Word.

I'm not sure what mathematicians have against colored chalk, but it certainly doesn't help erace relations. Eracists.

A lot of people claim that parenting is frequently exciting, exhausting, and full of surprises. I suppose that's why it's called heir-raising.

Was the paper announcing the discovery of magnetic flux subject to Ampeer-review?

A Turkish spy was arrested yesterday  —  accused of fowl play.

Sufficiently cultured people eat cheese. But sufficiently cultured cheese eats people!

Is transcending rational naturalism integral to the philosophy of realism? Seems complex.

You know, if Einstein had kept playing violin, he might have been the one to discover string theory…

Sometimes I like to sleep with my head elevated, so I am at an angle to the ground. I wonder if anyone else is similarly inclined.

Suppose an RA caught you on the roof of Larkin; would you be given a Stern talking-to?

Mango Lhasi is delicious… but I think I might prefer Mango Lossless better.

Pickachu! \binom{i}{u}!

It would be a lot of fun to stage a themed party where everyone dressed as knights errant and went around challenging inanimate objects to duels.
It would be called Exotic Quixotic, I suppose.

“You're totally going to ace that final tomorrow! Also, you should go rob a bank.”
“What are you doing!?”
“Providing immoral support!”

The Hitchhiker's Guide claims that some hitchhikers weaved circuitry into their towels, allowing them to create rudimentary computers and even AIs.
What if someone ended up quarreling with his towel's AI? Would it be called Irritable Towel Disorder?

Is there a scientific journal devoted to electricity and magnetism called Current Events?

A few of my friends ranked everywhere they want to live next year, only to discover their lists were completely different. Oh well, back to the Draw-ing board.

I tried to swordfight in Flatland, but it turned out the duel space was the wrong dimension.

I tried playing ping-pong with various kitchen implements, but it panned out.

Someone should tell the Middle East that a two-state solution is perfectly viable. Just dissolve oxygen gas in water or something.

I don't know the name of the construction company that was contracted to demolish the Terman Engineering Building… but I would call them the Termanators.

“You're not a physicist yet. But you do have a lot of potential.”

An algorithm that's extremely good at assigning memory might be called a smart-alloc.

People love to argue and argue about which generation of Pokémon is the best, but I think they're just beating a dead Horsea.

Do math competitions have their own logos? Because I would love to see a Coat of ARML.

The person who invented the first shovel might have been secretive about it… did he keep it underground?

Apparently West Lag's Resident Fellow is leaving at the end of this year. Talk about rm -rf.

“Googlese.java? Google? You have wonderful method names”
“There's a madness to my methods”

Finding electric flux… like a Gauss.

1. Profit!
2. ???
3. Travel backwards in time

Does Moor Xu's laptop double in processing power every 18 months?

Differential geometry must have some elegant results, since it clearly values form over function.

Some people make jokes about peoples' height, such as tall people making short jokes.
Unsurprisingly, short people tend to not like these jokes. I guess they don't see eye-to-eye on this issue.

Apparently there's some rushing thing going on at Stanford right now. I know nearly nothing about it  —  it's all Greek to me.

It is evident that bringing three projectors into a lecture means that it has a terribly high overhead…

Some forms of wordplay really aren't as popular as they should be; I'd even go so far as to say that they're punderrated.

I went to a Chicken and Waffles restaurant today, and I didn't know what to order, so I waffled between two of their more interesting options.

Would a metaphor about metaphors be called a meta-phor?

“Son, if you meet a girl who can defend three goals at once, marry her, because she's a Keeper.”

I just made a program go from completely failing to (seemingly) working by changing a run() method to an init() method. I never knew Java was so init()picky.

Descartes proclaimed, “I think, therefore I am.”
But Shakespeare said, “I think, therefore iamb.”

It would be neat if Pokémon had inverses, so that if you bred a Pokémon with its inverse, you would get Ditto. Because if this were the case, Egg Groups would be groups in the mathematical sense of the word too.

A musical analysis that claimed Bolero was plagiarized from another composer's work would be said to have unRaveled it.

If you pick the water starter in any later Pokémon game, you should have access to a larger selection of music than the other two.
“Swampert's TORRENT acquired a new song!”

Two mathematicians tried to cross the sea in a Möbius ship. One of them asked, “Will we be able to get to China?”
The other said, “No! This ship is non-Orientable!” …it was a very one-sided argument.

If you converted an Indian from one social class to another, would it be called typecasteing?

Trees must be incredibly emotional creatures  —  why else would they be so sappy?

If Stanford adopted a policy of revoking fraternities' housing, would it be considered Row reduction?


In the 2008 Republican primary, I recall that John McCain spent a lot of time in rural districts getting votes, since he knew that cities were going to generally vote Democratic anyways.
Thus McCain's campaign fell mainly on the plains.

Teachers and professors alike insist on one-inch margins at the borders of an essay, but I've sometimes put more or less without losing any points for it.
I guess it's marginal to my grade.

Music majors have an interesting courseload: half the time, they're doing theory, and the other half, they're doing practice!

A couple of my friends once sparred with loaves of bread (the baguettes that actually work pretty well as swords). I think they were roll-playing.

One can simplify a lot of stuff in math and physics by just assuming a solid is a sphere… but this would be a rounding error.

“Of course! I'll make a team of six Smeargles!”
“I don't know, man  —  that sounds pretty Sketchy.”

If you haze people into a math club, is it called mathematical induction?

“Look, J.S., there's no time to explain. You are the only man who can save modern music from itself. You must help us defeat the Serialists and stop the corruption before it's too late!”
Coming soon: Bach to the Future.

So a physicist walks into h-bar…
and tells the bartender, “I'll have two pies.”

I could probably tell you all about the deeper meanings behind, for example, Saint-Saens' bassoon sonata, all of the peaks and lows, and the story it tells… but then you'd say I was reeding too much into it.

Since we can agree that disc golf is the second greatest disc game, should we just call it Penultimate Frisbee?

“You really like water Pokémon, don't you?”
“Yeah, dude, Slowbros before Ho-ohs!”

I used to be interested in playing Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata… but it turns out it was just a phase.

I don't understand how topology is a rigorous mathematical subject; aren't its proofs all full of holes?

Mona Lisa accused of stealing istelf; says it was framed.

Would eliminating a constant of density from a matrix be considered rho reduction?

Says one violinist to another: “I really want to be concertmaster. Would you be able to, you know, pull some strings?”

When Frederic rejects Ruth during Act I of The Pirates of Penzance, would it be correct to say that he did so ruthlessly?

Someone who looks sufficiently good in fedoras should be called fedorable.

Does the mapping from poetry to prose have an in-verse function?

Some mathematicians think pi is badly defined and would rather use tau, claiming it simplifies equations. However, all of their reasons end up boiling down to circular logic and tau-tologies.

If you were to quantify the rate of societal change across the world, would you use units of revolutions per minute?

It would be neat to write a book, but I'd have to carefully consider the prose and cons of such a significant undertaking.

What do you call an Eastern European chess player who moved to Australia?
Czech, mate.

Bringing a flashlight when going caving is always a bright idea.

One Marth, two Marth, red Marth, blue Marth!

I'm trying to decide where to eat dinner tonight. Of course, I could follow everybody else and go with the FloMo…

I practiced and practiced and got a lot better at Super Smash Bros., but it all ended in tiers.

Math 52H is going to be quite a dramatic class  —  the plot just keeps getting tensor and tensor!

The world champion at Pac-Man could be called the Leader of the Pac.

I really love this pair of scissors. They're a cut above the rest!

When Julius Caesar met Cleopatra, I bet it was vidi, vici, veni…

No matter how much you push a piece of paper, it's always stationary.

There was once where a string quartet played a piece where pizzicato was marked twice without an arco in between. The violist was looking for it and the cellist asked “Are you playing arco polo?”

“I'm just saying the tenor has a sweeter sound than the alto – ”
“Saxist pig!”

Car experts who vote for Gingrich in the primaries could very well be called Newtonian mechanics.

Some string players' cases look like they could carry some heavy weaponry… I'm dimly worried I'll piss one of them off and then it'll be all “Say cello to my little friend!” (or would that be pizzing them off?)

The problem with incompetent vacuum cleaners is that you can't say that they suck.

I bet when Schoenberg's wife left him, he thought he was forever atone.

A video game in which the antagonist constantly blames others for his actions could boast of a very high frame rate.

Is there an RTS simulating the Russian Revolution? If so, would it be called Tsarcraft?

If we're looking for life on Mars, the landers ought to have mass spectrometers capable of identifying mercury, because it's well known that Martian life must have used mercury like we use water  —  otherwise they would never have dug all those Hg wells.

Would an ensemble of extremely low instruments be called a contraband?

Q: How do you carve wood?
A: A whittle bit at a time.

I had meant to take some cool pictures of the fog this morning, but I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow.

If you wanted to wish someone good luck in med school exams, would you say “may the forceps be with you?”

The problem with dating violin players is they always end up stringing you along. That and tuning the G string.

A man and his son were traveling through an airport, and the father said, “Haven't you forgotten something? Like a piece of luggage?”
“…um, I don't know.”
“Carry-on, my wayward son.”

Finding an orthonormal basis in R3? You've got to be Gram-Schmidtting me!

Working on linear algebra for so long can affect one's perceptions of free will, leading a very determinantistic outlook on life.

Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood={x : |Mr. Rogers - x| < δ} for some δ > 0.

If I were an orchestra director, I would refer to the cello section as the Celloship of the String.

November 5th is such a Fawked-up holiday.

A man was caught picking his nose. In his defense, he said, “It's snot what it looks like, I swear!”

Some people dress up in banana suits on Halloween, presumably to increase their sex appeel.

When one's homework is due… speak now or forever hold your psets.

If you thought of the Constitution as a computer program, would Prohibition be a sin tax error?

Some say that beautiful classes are like beautiful women: known for their generous curves.

Need a unit of energy for use in quantum physics?
Why not Rydberg?

Some people aren't very inventive when they swear. I guess their expletives are par for the curse.

If I ever had a secret project that involved bathrooms, you wouldn't be privy to it. No leaking of confidential information will occur.

Could you say that someone who wants to raise his bed has lofty ambitions?

Did you hear about the deaf mathematician who used sine language to communicate?

Are people who refuse to join nudist groups clothes-minded?

If I were to write a book about the disproportionate influence gasoline has in our lives, I would call it Citizen Alkane.

Reading Common Sense was Paineful.

Are people who take forever in the bathroom stalling for time, or just pissing it away?

If someone were to try a piece of Indian bread and dislike it, would he be naanplussed?

There are lots of offensive stereotypes about trumpet players, but to repeat them would be akin to stirring up a cornet's nest.

I know next to nothing about Norwegian music. It's all Grieg to me.

And all the Kirlia say I'm pretty fly… for a Darkrai.

Always take an Indian friend with you when you go canoeing - otherwise, you might find yourself up a creek without a Patel.

When Peter the Great first met his future wife, was she tsarstruck?

Some people claim that organic chemistry is an incredibly difficult class; others say that the concepts are easy to grasp. It seems difficult to reconcile these two ideas, but maybe it has a split personality: parts of it are simple, and the parts are terribly complex. It would be like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Aldehyde.

So I was trying to grow some tropical fruit, but I didn't have any luck. Then a friend came and helped me. With our powers combined, we raised a bumper crop. Takes two to mango, I guess.

A bicycle cannot stand on its own; it is two-tired.

I read the Grammarian's Magazine… for the articles.

“How heavy should I pack my canoe?”
“I dunno, whatever floats your boat.”

The funniness of a limerick should be called its magnitude, and be measured on the LimeRichter Scale.

Hey baby, what's your cosine?

You know, Waffle House is a pretty large company… do you think their CEO owns a Wafflecopter?

Sometimes I go to a hotel and find there are only a few electrical outlets for many electronics. Shockingly, it has led to more than a few power struggles…

I went to the dentist's office and got an award… it had a nice plaque.

In Pokémon, would Captain Ahab seek out the white Wailord?

What if a certain modern composer had turned to the dark side… would he be Darth Mahler?

If plastic surgery to the nose is a nose job, what does one call plastic surgery to the hand?

If I ever found that a bank wouldn't refinance my mortgage, I would be forever aloan.

Has there ever been a play written about the fall of Communism? “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this fourth wall!”

People have been saying 'herp' and 'derp' a lot recently. It's clearly the key symptom to a new and horrible disease - derpies. I encourage you get tested by a derpatologist as soon as possible!

There are some people on the Internet who don't give a shift about proper capitalization.

Apparently Wikileaks has been having financial difficulties recently. Do you think it would help if they began running… classified ads?

When winter breaks, does it make a noise?